The Joy of Holidays at my House.

I hate the holidays. I love them, but I also hate them. There's too much work that has to go in them. Sometimes you're doing it alone and sometimes you're thrown in a room feet first with a room full of people that you can only stand in small intervals. THAT is my family. It would be way easier if I had a boyfriend that liked the holidays, or had friends that actually didn't spend time with their own families and came to my house instead. When I was younger my best friend and I had made a pact that when we're older and married with children, we'd always rotate holidays at our houses. This is a dream that I still look forward to. Until than? I'm stuck listening to stupid football(that I hate) on the TV, the ghost of my brother that should be in the bedroom playing video games, the awkward feeling towards my sister(that I seriously want to punch in the face) and of course my crazy mother and her mom fighting non-stop about the stupidest things. Actually? Now that I think about it, its them fighting that usually brings my sister and I together on the holidays. There's always something that happens though, some stupid arguement. Someone getting mad. Someone leaving earlier than expected or someone not showing up at all.

I just want things to be different.

Poop-stains on my nanowrimo life!

I'd like to take a second out of my 'never all that busy, but too busy for you' schedule and say... I suck! When it comes to my writing, it turns out (although I always had a feeling) I am my own worst enemy. Not even a full week into NaNoWriMo and I've already decided to scrap the story I've been working on and start something new. I'm going to spend the weekend working on idea's and webbing out plot details and hopefully that'll put me back on track.

In essence, the idea's for both Trophy Life and Being Cinderella looked good on paper. The only problem with both of them being? You can't have a story with just a beginning and an end. If you did, trust me.. no one would read it.

Everything is a disraction and I can't ever find peace and quiet (which I desperately need to write) So in short, LOL at my attempt at NaNoWriMo because I really did think I'd get further than I did last year. Sadly... unless I have some brilliant idea AND complete silence to produce it? The road is suddenly looking like cocka!

Wish me luck!... we all know I'm going to need it.

NanoWrimo Eve

T'was the night before nano, when all through the house,
not a keyboard was moving, not even a mouse.
the ideas were forming in the mind with care,
with hopes that by November 30, the plots were still there.

Starting tomorrow I might as well say goodbye to normal life because I'm more than positive that for the month of November, I'll be pretty busy! For those who aren't familiar with what Nano is, please check out the nanowrimo.org website.

Going into it this time around I'm a bag of emotions. Mostly nervous and unsure. Previous attempts at nano have been less than steller. However I think that given personal life, I'm in a much better spot in my life where I know that I can do better. My main goal, which I'm sure is the same as most; to FINISH. The feeling of accomplishment ranks pretty high where my well being is concerned and I have high hopes that I can do this.

Not only am I going to finish, but I'm right now making the bold statement in saying that this year: I will not only finish on time, but early!! Thats how confident I am in my story that I'll be bringing to life.

Unfortunately, friends and family will not be getting a taste of Trophy Life or Being Cinderella. To be fair, I didn't want to submit something I've been working on previously. I want to start brand new, something fresh and something that I think is my strength as far as my writing goes. I'll be writing a Sci-Fi|Fantasy Novel. One of many, because I'd like for this to be a first in a series. At this time, I don't have a title for it, but it is a web of ideas webbing back to 4-5 years!

I'll be periodicially checking in and letting you guys read excerpts of the story as well as asking for feedback. I know that there will be moments where I'm going to delete and start over(its a writer thing, you wouldn't understand ;) but I set a goal and its pretty important that I finish it!

Now some words of wisdom that will be helping me reach my goals during NanoWrimo!

"There is no failure except in no longer trying." Elbert Hubbard
"Keep writing. Keep doing it and doing it. Even in the moments when it's so hurtful to think about writing." Heather Armstrong
‎"Fiction is a lie, and good fiction is the truth inside the lie." Stephen King

and my personal favorite.
"No one is asking, let alone demanding, that you write. The world is not waiting with bated breath for your article or book. Whether or not you get a single word on paper, the sun will rise, the earth will spin, the universe will expand. Writing is forever and always a choice - your choice."Beth Mende Conny

Here's what I think. I think that in order for people to stay completely out of our lives, we have to have a pretty big padlock. I think that ghosts of our past continue to haunt us because they're purpose may not always be fullfilled when we push them out. I think that love is real and that it exists, but I also think that its not for everybody. I think sometimes miserable people just want to be unhappy. I think we always have a choice. You draw a line and you either live above it, or underneath it. I think our choices do make our fate. I think every person is capable of good, just as they are capable of bad. I wouldn't put it past anybody to stab someone in the back. I think that there are some people that aren't supposed to be alone. And when they are? I think it kills them. I think that to move on, you HAVE to forgive. If you don't? I think a black bitter hole blocks any other feelings coming from your heart. I think life is often unfair, but I don't think thats anybody else's fault but my own. I think we're all responsible for our own paths.

Thats what I think.

SILENCE IS SO FREAKING LOUD!!

They say that the first year is always the hardest. Turns out 'they' were right. The idea of turning my feelings into words have never been a hard thing for me to do. I love to talk and I like to believe that somewhere, somebody is affected in a way that I am when I read something brilliant. This isn't brilliant though, its not a game. This is real. Its me. My feelings, from the heart.

I used to have dreams that one day broken people would rule the Earth. For my own sanity, as well as others? I hope that never happens. Thats the thing though, about my story.. I was broken beyond belief and I was never good at standing tall. Isn't that the point though, the point of living? Nothing is ever perfect and nothing is more real than reality. Honestly? I'm just surprised I made it a whole year without doing something completely wreckless. But nothing's ever been this big before. NOTHING is bigger than death. I couldn't take care of myself and I let myself go. For the first time in my adult life, I clammed. For those of you who don't know what the expression "clammed" means, its simple really. I shut myself out to the world. There really is no easier way to explain it.

Friday night of October 2nd, 2009. As much as I'd love to forget this day ever happened, it's a string of days in a week that I'll never forget. I had cooked a late dinner, my brother had come home after a few days of partying in Michigan and he decided he was going to have a party. A normality in our home when it came to David. Weekend events in the barn. A few hours later as I sat on the computer talking to friends, writing and what-have-you, my brother came inside, hopped up on the counter and we discussed my mom's divorce (something that had been going on for the past year) we were losing our home and that fight had gotten ugly, quick. Man... I could remember that conversation word for word. He was getting annoying and I told him I didn't care, because I didn't. I didn't care about the divorce anymore. You pick your battles, you know? And I was starting to realize that it wasn't mine anymore. He got mad and than we said goodnight. For a year, I've carried the guilt of how this conversation ended. I made him mad because I said I didn't care. Before I went to bed, I had checked on him and he was fine. We made up, and he wasn't mad that I didn't care about our mom's divorce and I wasn't mad that he'd kept asking me about it. But thats how we've always been. Fighting one minute and best friends again the next. Guilt is a hell of a thing.

Saturday morning I woke up, my sister and mom were already awake, David was still asleep. I was in the bathroom, doing my morning routine and thats when I heard it. You don't forget something like that you know? The screams from a parent, the cries of a sibling. You don't just... get over it. My brother was dead. I was screaming for him to wake up and I was pushing him, trying to get him to wake up.. I couldn't breathe and I felt like nothing was happening. It was too unreal for my brain to process. It wasn't real life. It wasn't MY life... except it was.

And as far as 'what happened goes' I won't go into it because quite frankly? Its none of your god damn business. This town is full of people who love the talk. THEY LOVE IT! If it was the truth? They'd distort it into something else. Nobody is a saint, so how dare you people for talking the way that you did. You know who you are, and you should feel ashamed.

After a week of hell and I mean HELL, I didn't want to be alone with anybody else. I didn't want to have to talk about anything. I didn't want anybody, I just wanted him back. I wanted my brother and I wanted him to be fine and tell me it was a joke. One like we'd played on my sister and like so many others, taken too far. But it wasn't. I started going to lunches on a weekly basis with friends and work was hell for me when I went back. I wanted to stay home, but being there just wasn't an option. I didn't like my mom. I didn't like how she was grieving because I didn't understand than that everybody gets through their own way. I was fresh in a game I was forced to play, and I wanted out.

For the first time in my life I learned what anxiety was. I fought hard when it came to denying I had a problem. I was fine. I was always 'fine'... until I wasn't anymore. There was one person though, and I have to give her credit. She helped me more than I will ever give her credit for. Linda would always question every 'fine' response. Like everybody else in my life though this past year though? I didn't want it. I didn't want the pity, which is what it felt like. I didn't want people telling me things like "it'll be okay, or everything happens for a reason" "his life ended, not yours." So I pushed her away along with anybody else that tried to help me along the way. I want to apologize to those people, because I didn't understand. Still don't, not really... as long as we're being honest.

I quit my job, I was fired from my job, I abandoned every friend I'd ever known and I hated being home surrounded by my family. But I was, if nothing else? I deserved the torture. It took me about maybe up until mid-summer before I could talk to anybody about David without crying, but I was so far in that it didn't matter. This was hell, and I was living it. And I was alone. Sometimes I loved it, and sometimes I wanted to kill myself. To quote one of my favorite authors, "Silence is so freaking loud!!" Depression is a fickle bitch, let me just start out by telling you that. Not only is the mind effected, but the body and spirit as well. Its like cancer. If you beat it, than you win... and if you don't?..

Tadaaaaa!

Gearing up for Nanowrimo! 30 Days and 30 nights of literary abandon! The highlight of every writers life! Check it out and get your nano ready! November is almost here!! http://www.nanowrimo.org/

-New Song-

waking up from an endless nightmare
pick up the phone
can you please come home
oh no.. I'm all alone..

How could you leave me all alone
where did you go
(all alone)
where did you go
(all alone)

I need to hear ; that you love me dear
I need to hear ; that you're not all alone
I need to hear ; hear that little laugh
I need to hear ; that you're coming back

how could you leave me all alone
where did you go
(all alone)
where did you go
(all alone)

screaming for the sound
and I can't see
the shadow that I am
this is all of me -ee

how could you leave me all alone
how could you
how could you leave me all alone

©Yolanda Curiel \\ Music Box

Happy 11 Months.

You want to know what bothers me the most? I don't remember what it was like. To be truely, genuinely happy for myself. I'm not talking about someone making my day a little brighter, or how I get when Donavin's around, or when someone compliments how well I write. I'm talking about when I'm alone and its just me, alone.

Apparently this is part of the "process" and I've "entered another stage" blah blah freakin blah blah! I just, I've never been this way. I'm THAT girl. I'm the girl who has the self esteem, the ego, everything. I look at my life and I feel like I wasted alot of time and time is just continually getting faster and faster.

I just, have alot going on uptown ya know? Too much to process sometimes, so I put it off till "later." I feel like I didn't let other people down, they expected this. I let myself down. I hate it. I hate this stupid feeling and I hate me right now. I HATE ME. I hate that I can't admit to myself outloud, on paper, on a fucking computer.. how I really feel about him.

Its a process, and I'm learning to breathe again.

Winds of Change.

September 2nd which means tomorrow will be the 3rd. On the 3rd day of every month I've found it hard not to think of what it is. An anniversary. Not one person would particularly want to celebrate, but one I find myself needing to celebrate every month. Thats a strange word to use to describe it though, "celebrate" Its not exactly a celebration. More of a remembering. Saying that I don't "remember" though throughout the month is also a false statement.


I've been dreading this month since this past October. Nothing is more scary than getting older (Sept 7th is my birthday) and nothing is more frightening than the realization that you're getting older alone. Its depressing, is what it is. I'm not by any means a depressing person, I'll be honest for the most part? I don't even think people really like me as much as they say. That of course being a result as to the fact that I don't like me... sometimes anyway. You know the saying "You can be in a room full of people you love, who love you and still feel alone?" (something like that) Yeah.. thats about where we're at for the month of September. I always wanted to be alone, until I was.


I just have alot of anxiety going into this month. I hate it when I do that, I hate when I set myself up for my own defeat. Alot of things are happening and moving fast. Don't get me wrong? I love change. I love what it does to a person, how it feels. How everythings different all of a sudden and than its not. I just can't get over this anxiety lately.


Its funny because growing up, this was MY mother. To a tee, always preparing for the worst so that she was never disappointed. We call that "Negative Nancy" "Grumpy Gus" and the always famous "Debbie Downer!" Growing up though I've always been a cross between pessimistic and optmistic. I don't think the glass is half empty or half full, I think its just a stupid glass. Good or bad I believe that if its meant to happen, it will.

Its September and I'm feeling this way? I'mnot supposed to be feeling this way because I'm supposed to be working on getting better. Getting over the fact that when people die, you can't change it... no matter how hard to try, or how much faith you put in believing that there "might" be a possibility. It just, doesn't always go as planned. Change. When its good its good, and when its against your will? It fucking sticks man...

I'm tired of being followed by this stupid dark cloud, but I don't know if I'm ready for it to go away.

Make sense?

Dont think or judge, just listen.

Of course I read this book in less than a a day. It goes without saying, sometimes you really can't judge a book by its cover. In the past I've been turned off by Sarah Dessen novels because, like with movies? Chick Flicks don't do it for me. Having read a few books she's written in the past, my speculation was the same going into this. I had no expectations other than my own.

Kind of glad I didn't pass this one up. The story itself is very immature to me, but what I loved the most? Like with my 'not' husband Christopher Rice? You can relate to alot of the story and not just through the main characters eyes. From Annabel to Owen, Whitney to Clarke and even Emily to Sophie. There was|is something in it for every type of audience.

I have a strong appreciation for music and going into this, that appreciation and passion really stood tall. Music heals and all that stuff.

What can I say? It left me inspired, which as a writer is great!

Of course I had a field day with all the quotes I connected to, and thought I'd share!



Because this is what happens when you try to run from the past. It just doesn’t catch up, it overtakes … blotting out the future.

--

If you could just be nice, then you wouldn't have to worry about arguments at all. but being nice wasn't as easy as it seemed, especially when the rest of the world could be so mean

--

I wondered which was harder, in the end. The act of telling, or who you told it to. Or maybe if, when you finally got it out, the story was really all that mattered

--

There comes a time in every life when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you'd better learn to know the sound of it. Otherwise you'll never understand what it's saying.

--
There has to be a middle. Without it, nothing can ever truly be whole. Because it is not just the space between, but also what holds everything together

--

I was beginning to see, though, that the unknown wasn't always the greatest thing to fear. The people who know you best can be risker, because the words they say and things they think have the potential to be not only scary but true, as well

--

Silence is so freaking loud!!

--

So many versions of just one memory, and yet none of them were right or wrong. Instead, they were all pieces. Only when fitted together, edge to edge, could they even begin to tell the whole story."

--

It was like when you're a little kid and you run into your teacher or librarian at the grocery store or Wal-mart and it's just so startling, because it never occurred to you they existed outside of school

--

All I'd ever wanted was to forget. but even when I thought I had, pieces had kept emerging, like bits of wood floating up to the surface that only hint at the shipwreck below.

--

No matter how much time has passed, these things still affect us and the world we live in. If you don't pay attention to the past, you'll never understand the future. It's all linked together.
--

Harder to get in than out, like so little else

--

The past did affect the present and the future, in ways you could see and a million ones you couldn't. Time wasn't a thing you could divide easily; there was no defined middle or beginning or end. I could pretend to leave the past behind, but it would not leave me

--

I thought again how you could never really know what you were seeing with just a glance, in motion, passing by. Good or bad, right or wrong. There was always so much more

--

"This is the problem with dealing with someone who is actually a good listener. They don’t jump in on your sentences, saving you from actually finishing them, or talk over you, allowing what you do manage to get out to be lost or altered in transit. Instead, they wait, so you have to keep going."

--

Pieces and parts were always easier to process. The full picture, the entire story, was another thing entirely. But you just never knew. Sometimes, people could surprise you."
--

So while it seemed like you were seeing everything, you really weren't. Just bits and pieces that looked like a whole."

--

Like a word on a page that you’ve printed and read a million times, that suddenly looks strange or wrong, foreign. And you feel scared for a second, like you’ve lost something, even if you’re not sure what it is

--

I'd been convinced I was on the outside, but really, I'd always been within arm's reach. All I had to do was ask, and I, too, would be easily brought back, surrounded and immersed, finding myself safe, somewhere in between

--

music is the great uniter. An incredible force. Something that people who differ on everything and anything else can have in common.

--

The thing is, it's a big deal when you finally get the chance to do the one thing you want to do-need to do-more than anything. It can kind of scare the crap out of you.

--

I understood now. This voice, the one that had been trying to get my attention all this time, calling out to me, begging me to hear it -- it wan't Will's. It was mine
--

All you could do was take on as much weight as you can bear. And if you're lucky, there's someone close enough by to shoulder the rest.
--

instead, we just sat there, together but really apart, watching a show about a stranger and all her secrets, while keeping our own to ourselves, as always.

--

"Because the truth sometimes hurts," I said.
Yeah," he said. "So do lies, though."

--

She knew I could tell with one glance, one look, one simple instant. It was her eyes. Despite the thick makeup, they were still dark-rimmed., haunted, and sad. Most of all though, they were familiar. The fact that we were in front of hundreds of strangers changed nothing at all. I'd spent a summer with those same eyes-scared, lost, confused-staring back at me. I would have known them anywhere

--
All Quotes From:
Just Listen - [a Novel by Sarah Dessen]

Ello!!

I just finished reading one of my all time favorite books and thought I would share some of the books quotes with you all! You may have heard of them (:

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be..

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.



"I hate you." "I love you."

I turned around and walked to my room and closed my door and put my head under my pillow and let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be.

This moment will just be another story someday.

I am very interested and fascinated by how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other.

[we accept the love we think we deserve]

I think it was the first time in my life I ever felt like I looked "good". Do you know what I mean? That nice feeling when you look in the mirror, and your hair's right for the first time in your life? I don't think we should base so much on weight, muscles, and a good hair day, but when it happens, it's nice. It really is.

It's kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. And it gets to a point where none of it seems real.

I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.

things change. And friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody.

And I guess I realized at that moment that I really did love her. Because there was nothing to gain, and that didn't matter.

You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things.

You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.


So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.


If you've never read the book, seriously pick it up. Its completely moving and inspirational for all!

the calm before the storm.

If people didn't ask me to do this I am almost positive this journal would never be updated this much. We're rounding the corner into Fall and I've said a few times now that I don't know whats going to happen. I don't know how I'm going to react when September rolls around and I don't know how bad October 3rd is going to be. I'm confident that despite the mental breakdown that almost seems inevitable, I'll be okay. See the problem with grieving is that they don't tell you exactly how long each stage is. Its almost been a year. 11 months on Sept 3rd. I spent too much time being depressed and feeling guilty, still do. I still feel like if things were done differently, my brother would still be here. I still am brought to instant tears talking about the guilt. I still question why I had to be the last one to spend time with him alive, and to find him in his bed.


Seeing a dead body just.. I don't know, it does something to you. I had only gone to one funeral before that. One of my best friends growing up Bob Begell. I wasn't prepared on what I had to endure. I don't know if things would have been different if I were. Doesn't mean I still don't question it though.


Healing though? Thats a pretty big step. Sometimes I can tell myself that its "getting better" and I actually believe it. I hold my emotions in pretty high regard when it comes to things like this because you see? I'm the strong one. I can "deal" and I can be "dependable".. not this time though. Its like everybody knows too. Even my closest friends have stopped asking and among family, its just not brought up. I have to bring it up though, I have to have that. Atleast for me. For some, it makes it better when you pretend its okay. Thats called denial and I can't, I just won't.


The truth is, I hurt all the time. I feel guilty still - to a point, when I'm happy and I miss him.


There's no doubt in my mind that the next couple of months are going to be hard. I get anxiety just thinking about it and its not even September yet.

Same old song and dance ♫

Hola! Bonjour... Hello.. Hi.. whats up? Que pasa? All that other stuff... How you people be? Basically I've been on hiatus from most of the internet. Its honestly taken me about a full week to get back to normal after only a 4 day vaca lol
.
Some of you already know this, new people as well as non frequent peeps don't. I'm meeting with a publisher in hopes of getting a book published. At this point I don't care if its an actual novel or a book of poetry, short stories ect... as long as its a book with my name on it. Does that sound bad? Well I had started one after my brother died called "Being Cinderella" We had a good run and I may not completely give up on it yet but when my computer crashed, I lost a good amount of it. Weeks of trying to recover what wasn't written on paper(I always do drafts on paper first) I'm at a stand still. I want to say I finished it, regardless if its just for my own knowing that I set my mind on something so heavy and finished it. I just don't know if I can. Those who know me, know... I suffer from occasional ADD... I get sidetracked, procrastinate and than get angry haha. I just, I don't finish anything, hardly ever... and because one isn't enough, I'm working on a second novel attempt.

Wanna hear about it? Of course you don't, but here goes: I had a life changing epiphany in a dream a few weeks ago. Its something that's never hit me until the "dream" because I thought I had closed the door on that genre of writing for a while now. All the writers workshops and school hours put in and I actually feel silly having not even attempted such a thing before now. Sci Fi|Fantasy. It was where I shined in the past and just thinking about it gives me goosebumps. So to back up this "epiphany" I had, I dug deep into the past. Writing, RP, Writing, College, High School, Junior High, my invisible friend with special powers back in the 3rd grade[you can laugh - his name was Charlie] anyway for me, how I "know" I have something is when even after all that I still feel just as passionate about it after it was replanted in my mind. I should have been writing this all along. Old muse are being reborn and more depth than ever will be added on. I feel 100% in writing this. I do.

Long story short - because I did have a point. Being Cinderella is more of a dark comedy, humour, deep kind of self help novel. The story of Abby and Landon? Thats pretty special. I created them and I say everybody gets a chance to come alive.

To those who have "held my hand" in writing Being Cinderella, you have my word and promise that I will do what I promised when I started this story. I'll finish it and I'll make not only myself and my brother proud, but you guys as well. Its incredible as to how many people have supported me in writing "BC" and I hope you follow me along the journey of this new project.

xoxo

My Life in Ruins/What you Said

When words have failed me in the past,
I resorted to humor.
When I couldn't find my way;
I resorted to a map.
When time was on my side;
I resorted to a race.
When freedom was in my grasp;
I resorted to slavery.

I resorted to laughter;
when words made me cry.
I resorted to opening my eyes;
when the light made them blind.
I resorted to standing still;
when so many things passed me by.
I resorted to fighting;
when I knew I was wrong.

When times were tough;
I resorted to anger.
When love failed;
I resorted to hate.
When I lost my faith;
I resorted to death.
When I saw my life in ruins;
I resorted to fear.

©Yolanda Curiel 2009

---

You ask me if I care;
and I say 'How can I'
you said what you said;
'I don't cry'
You say how dare you
and I say 'we're through'
you said what you said;
'tired of being you'
You ask me whats the matter;
and I say 'nothing'
you said what you said;
'a little bit of something'
You say I'm not alone;
and I say 'I think your wrong'
you said what you said;
'not even part of this song'
You ask me to share my pain;
and I say 'this is not what its about'
you said what you said;
'all I have is self doubt'
You ask me if I care;
and I say 'more than you realize'
you said what you said;
'my untimely demise'


©Yolanda Curiel 2009

All I have are memories and thats not enough.

They say to write good, you have to write what you feel. What do I feel? Nothing. I don't feel anything. My heart is broken and recovery is out of sight. To be honest, I don't know if its ever going to be "okay" again. I'm hopeful that it will, but for the most part thats bullshit statement. People walk in and out of your life all the time, so why does this hurt so bad? And here I am once again, with no words. I can't even convince my mind to work hard enough to find something.. anything worth saying. I cry. All the time. I cry so much that its pathetic. I usually cry until I make myself sick and than I do it all over again. Grief is handled in 5 stages, but I'm pretty sure I've counted about ten or twelve. Guess what? I'm still not "over it." I want to be angry at him. For leaving me. For leaving us. I want to be angry, but I can't. I can't make my heart feel anger towards him.. but I want to. What makes him think that I could live without him? What makes it okay to not have him here? Don't even bring god into this either, because I'm going to tell you right now.. My faith is being severely questioned. Whats sad is, I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe in something greater than myself.. I changed my ways and wanted to.. and than he took my brother away from me. I can't bring myself to be angry at my brother, but I can be angry with God. His plan is bullshit.. why would he put me through this? I don't blame him though.. not completely anyway. I'd give anything, just to have him back... but you and I both know that's impossible.

All I have are memories and thats not enough.


You say I'm strong
but I'm really not.
I'm falling apart; my heart is shattered.
I tried to smile today
and act like it mattered.
my heart doesn't work
I can't find the time to say
what I feel is nothing real
I'm alone now.. I'm alone.
I can't even write
my words they're so stupid
I pray for an angel
but with my luck they'd send me cupid.
I want to love though
I want to feel whole.
kind of like you did
before your life was stole.

You say I'm strong
but I'm really not.
I'm just a stupid girl
who doesn't even know what she's got.
I write because its real
I write because even when I'm sad
I need to remember to feel.
I say I don't care
but thats not in my heart.
I need to fall apart
if only to appreciate the art.
I'd probably write a good poem
if I remembered where to start
forever in our hearts
thats where you now call home.

You say I'm strong
but I'm really not.

I hide behind my words
because they've saved me alot.

©Yolanda Curiel 2009

Who I am;

When posed with the question of "Who am I?" I have to sit and reflect. I'm sure many people would have their own opinions on "Who I am." I'm sure alot of their opinions might be right. I am a combination of everyone that I've ever known. I want to believe that only the best shines through when it comes to the impact I've left on other people. Sadly, thats not the case. I've left a bitter taste in the mouth of my enemies, and I've left an unforgettable presence in the lives of my family and friends. Pleasing other people to make myself feel better is no longer an option. The year is 2010, and the only thing worth mentioning to anybody is that I've loved and I've lost. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am not naive. I know what it means to be broken and I am all too familiar with what it feels like to be hurt. Who am I? I'm a selfish human being, who wants nothing more than to find my niche in this world.

Saying I'm more than empty
is a cruel kind of crime
Trying to fix it,
nothing more than a waste of time.
I cry because I can't stop
trying to fix it
would be a huge flop
The only thing I know is how to pretend
It can't be like this,
this can't be the end.
I'm scared I turned out weak
Forced to deal and confused with being meek.
My heart is broken
its destroyed.
I feel empty
not much is going to replace this void.
I try to smile
to hide the frown
this is what I get
this is the upside to being down.


© Yolanda Curiel 2010

Trophy Life

Its a matter of fact
Its a matter of fun
Its a two steps forward
Its an always on the run

Its a matter of time
Its a matter of space
Its a fighting to the death
Its a stiff kick to the face

Its a matter of forgiving
Its a matter of laughter
Its a choice we make
Its a night of regret; no morning after

Its a matter of of choice
Its a matter of sad
Its a choosing to be happy
Its a forcing to be glad

Its a matter of loss
Its a matter of heart
Its a finding yourself
Its a realization you're falling apart

Its a matter of surviving
Its a matter of strife
Its a finding a help
Its a surviving this trophy life.

©Yolanda Curiel

Untitled.

I thought I was better but thats just a lie
no feelings, questions or answers
no excuse for the when or why.
I'm lost; all alone
unsure of the cost, no heart to call my own.
Its like a broken record; no music to be heard
these feelings, all ignored
just like a dying baby bird.

©Yolanda Curiel

Smile.

I saw you cry the day I left
I left the day I made you cry;
stolen in the night and gone in the day;
that was the day my life stopped
thats when you went away.

I cried and fell apart
that was the day you broke my heart
I can't understand why you couldn't stay
I can hear it in my head, that thing you would always say.

Your laugh, your smile, your voice, your dance
I beg and I plea, please.. one more chance.
to say I love you and give you a hug
to forgive you for yelling and attacking me with bugs!

One look and it was an instant trial
I'll see you again, its something I can say
I'll think of you and I'll cry, once and a while
my dear sweet boy.. are you okay?
can you smile?

©Yolanda Curiel

Broken Windows.

You wouldn't understand
if your world came in a box
You wouldn't understand
if your children were eaten by a fox
Broken windows could.

You wouldn't question
how many times you have to die
You wouldn't question
All the times you were left to cry
Broken Windows would.

You wouldn't lie
If it could save your life
You wouldn't lie
if it was your wife
broken windows could

You wouldn't fight
If it was your only choice
You wouldn't fight
to help make the world rejoice
Broken Windows would.

©Yolanda Curiel

Is this what healing feels like?

I hate that we have no control over the direction our lives take. Fate... is a funny thing and as we all know, I'm sure.. it can work in your favor or against it. I don't know what to do when good things start to happen, its almost like I can't handle it. Does that make sense? I don't want to say "I'm scared" because I don't necessarily think thats the word best fit to describe it. I'm just, I don't know, in a daze? Life is happening and I'm healing and it just is. I have a newfound appreciation for myself and the people I keep in my life. 9 months today.. Jake's 21st birthday and I don't want to jinx it but... I'll be damned. I'm smiling.


Life is currently beautiful. Alot beautiful. Its crazy.

How do you heal a broken heart?

Do you know what hurts the most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before... I miss my brother... I miss my friends and most importantly? I miss me. I'm okay, I mean I know I'll be okay. I probably am and just don't know it yet. Leave it to me to be stubborn like that. Its just sometimes when I don't have 10 million other things going on, I break. Its the only way that I've been able to get "over" it. Force myself into so much that I have no other choice but to focus on something else. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to not feel at all... I don't know... its just one of those days I guess.

Relationship boo boo's.

Sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing to myself. I walk into relationships with the full intention of not becoming emotionally invested and than WHAM! There I am, caring about things a few weeks ago I couldn't have given a shit about. Its in my nature to care though, I'm a virgo. We have compassion and I'm a firm believer that its both a blessing and a curse. Do not confuse caring for being weak though. I pride myself on being a GREAT judge of character when it comes to people. Its a trait that hasn't let me down yet.

They say that when you have a hard shell you're "bitchy" "rotten to the core" or "stone cold" if you will. I say, you're just protecting yourself. Look, lets face it you guys.. we're on put on this planet for one thing and one thing only and thats selfishness. We are all selfish human beings. Anybody who disputes this fact is obviously in denial. Sure there are people that put others before them, but I hate to be the bearer of bad news, those people weren't always that way...

I think the reason I'm so distrusting of people is because I've smartened up. I know what its like to hurt and to be hurt. It doesn't feel good for anybody, trust me! So why do we, as humans continue to put ourselves though this? Isn't it bad enough that when we invest so much time into a person, they disapprove and we're left with what? Heartbreak? Who wants that? Nobody willingly goes into a relationship thinking "I can't wait until she breaks my heart"

I have no idea why I started writing this, its late and I'm in the middle of pretending I don't care and caring. Relationships are confusing and I don't think anybody is ever really good at them...

Yeah.. enough of that.

Social Media Sites...

By popular demand I've decided to take the top suggestion for this weeks blog. Surprisingly enough we had alot of requests for social media sites, much like the one you're probably using now. I think I pride myself in knowing that I was one of the first people on myspace when it first began. Sadly not into much of the trends that came with it, I quit it and moved on to Facebook. Now I've been guilty of alot of things and falling victim to facebook is one of them. What happened to the days when poking people wasn't acceptable? Or if you just wanted to talk to someone you would text them or call? Maybe stop by while you're in town? I think I've been sucked into facebook as much as I have because I'm a vain person. No kidding, its my antheme. After facebook of course came twitter. Is nothing sacred anymore in this world? I mean, sure I tweet alot, but do you really have to tell your "followers" that you just took a shit and need some juice? Its rediculous the things people post about their home lives. Again, I am guilty of being an over achiever on twitter also... but thats because I have no shame, and I've been dealt a bad case of "doesn't shut the fuck up," I've always had a gift to entertain though, so the audience is something I do enjoy.

Its been an irritating day.

I don't like to talk about politics, and not many things irriate me... except one. Can someone shut Sarah Palin the fuck up already??

Besides that Alaskan retard Palin... I also really loathe Megan Fox. And its not because she's pretty, because believe me I've seen prettier.. she's a terrible actress, she's NOT all that cute and she comes off as the biggest fucking moron in interviews.

If LOST were a reality and Sarah Palin and Megan Fox were on that flight, I would have been happy and that would have been a finale I could get behind.

and if I seriously hear one more time that gays shouldn't have rights, I will seriously punch a mother fucker. EVERYONE CREATED EQUAL. Personally? I'm very open about what I want and who. I'd be just as happy with a woman than I would be with a man. Why? Because I'm comfortable where I am in my life as a person. Happy is happy so why would anyone want to interfere with that?

Another thing that I've found completely annoying and unflattering. "Hollering" What the fuck is hollering? Speak English you dumb ass. Don't holla at yo boy" Talk to your boy.. or whatever the fuck you're getting at. Get a fucking education because when you speak in tongue, nobody fucking understands you.

Betty White, you are old. Sure I would like to bite you like a vampire and keep you around, but lets face it. YOU ARE OLD. If there's one thing I hate more than Alaskin retards, people who don't speak properly and Megan Fox... its old people.

♫ I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes ♪

I don't think so much about whats going to happen. I never plan much of anything. Looking back on my life now I can totally see where that was a major issue. Life is boring... until you're having fun. I think that because I started working at a young age, I'll always carry that trait with me. These past 6 months of not working have been HELL for me. I can gladly admit that. I'm a worker bee, always and forever. My problem was obviously that I didn't care. I was at a point in my life where all I wanted was to be left alone so I could die. Emo, depressing shit I know, but thats how I felt.

I think that the lingering feelings are part of our growth. Like we need to feel them to know that everything's going to be okay. Not everybody's the same though and I won't be speaking for everybody in that sense.

I had a job interview today so I really hope it went well. I'm in desperate need for my normal back.

Mother..

He was right in saying that I was trapped here in this house. Because I've come to realize that he was right. My relationship at home was the very core that I could not escape. How could he know this though? I've never opened up to anybody before, certainly not a boy. Not this boy, I mean. Do you know what its like to absolutely loathe the woman you're supposed to call mother? I do. Do you find yourself having so much anger over choices made by others, when you have no say in the matter? I do. I get so angry I cry. My discomfort in life, in this house.. it comes from years of pretending like I wanted to belong. I grew up hating my mother because somewhere along the way she'd forgotten that she had five kids and not just one. I had found comfort from bar patrons and adults that I hadn't even fathomed knowing, let alone getting along with. These people changed my life. These people saved me. These adults made me who I am today.

My relationship with my mother was strained until the age of twenty-one. I don't exactly remember the cross-over, but we'd found a peaceful ground and we ran with it. This might go down as one move in my life, that I do regret. But maybe thats the great thing about mothers? They're the only people in the world that can single handedly make and break you. Surely I can't be the only one?

When we suffered, we unfortunately did it as a team. When did I sign up for this team and how do I get out of my contract? There is no doubt in my mind that one hundred percent of the blame goes to my mother. She is holding me back and that I've always known. It feels like a "I didn't get it, so why should you" deal? Don't even get me started on the guilt trips. Sometimes they're so bad you feel them right down to the bone. Words always have a way of breaking a person more than anything known to man.

By The Book

My earliest memory with books can be dated back to the second grade. It’s strange when I look back because I fell in love with words, much earlier than that. I remember being in the second grade. I was blessed with Miss Novak as my teacher for the second time in my family history. When asked who got me into books and my passion of writing period, I always give her partial credit. She was given to me to inspire, to teach, to love.

It was the second grade and I had stayed after school with a few other students and my teacher, Miss Novak had taken us to the library and than to dinner. It was my first time in a public library, so you can imagine how that was for me. And if you can’t, allow me to set the scene. I was 6 years old and books for me, was like cake for fat kids. I just couldn’t get enough. I remember coming home with three bags full of books and my mom yelling that I had so many. She didn’t think there was a way I’d read so many, in addition to losing them.

Can you believe that I read every book? I remember taking them back late and all the conversation afterwards about them. Like I said, I was addicted; mostly to the stories, the characters and the safeness I felt when I was enthralled inside of them.

Most of my life can be summed up by 5 of my favorite books, all of which I recommend to my readers. The first being ‘Inkheart’ by Cornelia Funke. I first read Inkheart in 2005 and I was hesitant at first because at first glance this book seems like it’s purely children based. But that’s not always the case in point with books. I don’t think I need to tell you how many adults are fans of Harry Potter over their children do I? Anyway Inkheart has everything from Fantasy, Action, Murder, Mystery, Love, Laughter and as often as we’re in denial of a lesson.

The Second Book in my 5 would be “A Density of Souls” by Christopher Rice. Now before I go into how I feel about the book, I’d like to express my love for the man that wrote the book. Being a huge fan of Anne Rice, I was expecting a lot and you guys, he delivers! Christopher Rice is the author of 5 books (All of which I own, and have on pre-order hah) A Density of Souls was scary for me. When I read it, I could relate to every single character. Growing up I knew what it was like to be the outcast, the popular girl, the asshole, ect. What I related most about this book though was the fact that every single one of these characters had skeletons in their closet, which we as human beings can attest to. It’s a deep read for the avid mind.

Coming in third on my list would have to be, The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova. Now before I get into the book, I just want it to be known that I am a HUGE Anne Rice fan. Bram Stoker as well. Fuck Twilight because I’ve read what REAL vampires are like in 3 authors alone. I can never be a fan of a vampire that sparkles in the sunlight. Back to our subject on hand though, The Historian is a large book. The story itself was amazing to me, however what captivated me the most was the style it was written. It’s very Gothic, Victorian, travelogue type of book. It’s realistic and kept me on the edge of my seat until I had finished it.

Fourth in my book list is a pure horror guru! If you want to scare the shit out of someone, tell them to read a Bentley Little Book! So this is techniqually cheating because I’m not listing a book, but rather the mind behind the madness! I’m still recovering from books like The Vanishing, Dominion, The House, Guests and The Town! I’m a big fan of Stephen King when it comes to horror writing, but Bentley Little will give the strongest man nightmares, trust me on this!!

The final book on our list is my all time favorite books and current “re-obsessions” (Yeah, I admitted it.) Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. Both written by Lewis Carroll. Although I am a big fan of Tim Burton’s recent movie adaption, to read the book and than watch the movie, two completely different things. The stories that are told in both Adventures and Looking Glass are life lessons, and they teach you things as a child and as an adult. They tell you why it’s important to know where you’re going. To know yourself, to believe in yourself. I learned through Alice that sometimes taking your own advice is the best advice! To stand up for yourself and others doesn’t make you a bully, it makes you wise.

So there you have it, 5 books (and then-some) that I will never tire of, that inspire me to be a better writer today and tomorrow. Whether it be a travel through time, a sexy deep secret, falling in love, solving a mystery or fighting a galactic war; books are the only thing that will never fail you.

Two Quotes from Inkheart that I will never forget, and use as inspiration for my writing:

“Books are adventure. They contain murder and mayhem and passion. They love anyone who opens them.”

"Books have to be heavy, because they carry the whole world with them"

Free Writing

Free Writing. When I was a senior in high school my creative writing teacher would sit us down and have us “free” write every day for the first ten minutes or so of class. It’s a technique that I’ve carried with me my whole life. When you write freely, it allows all inhibitions to leave and your mind put at ease.

Here’s something they don’t tell you about being a writer, when you write? You really do go crazy. I’m constantly writing over 20 different scenarios on a daily basis and nine out of ten times, it’s at the same time. I guess this would qualify as multiple personality’s right? Or A.D.D, whichever, I’m sure my mind suffers from both.

Of course than you have the days when your mind is so turned off by the idea of even thinking that you sit hours on end staring at a blank screen, or sheet of paper with nothing more than your name on it.

I chose to write because I aspired for something better. I wanted to live in the worlds I created in my stories. I wanted make believe. I first wrote a story when I was in third grade. I mean I’ve always created idea’s and characters “imaginary friends” but my first story, a lot of things were really put in perspective.

The very first character I created was Charlie. He was an orange alien with medusa like green hair and he had snakes as fingers. A lot of the townsmen were horrified by his appearance, but in 3rd grade he was of course a gentle alien. He didn’t have any friends because everyone was afraid of him and he lived in an igloo. Don’t ask me why, I was eight.

I was hooked though from that moment on. I could have Charlie do anything. I could have him meet the love of his life, eat the townsmen or ride a bike. That’s what happens when you write. The world is an endless possibility and only you can finish it.

I feel after all of these years that I abandoned Charlie along with the essence of how I felt about writing. I only knew one thing than and now. Writing was something I wanted to do for a long time.

Our ten minutes are up. I really suggest free writing to all of you. Sometimes the strangest things come into play. I haven’t talked about Charlie since I was a senior in high school. That’s weird.

My Guiding Eyes.

All of our lives we were lead to believe in things such as happy endings and fairytales. I mostly blame Disney for this. Growing up I watched religiously, the same movies you did. Little did I know that growing up, these movies would hold a very pivotal part of my existence.

It’s no wonder that girls like you and I expect those kinds of relationships. You know the saying; “if you hear it enough, eventually it becomes true?” I feel sorry for the people that actually believe this today. I used to be one of those people. I thought that I’d fall in love and have a wicked step mom who poisoned me. I grew up expecting my pets to talk to me and mice to turn into horses.

What they don’t prepare you for though? These movies, is that life is no fairytale. People don’t just fall in love and there really aren’t happy endings. Not always.

I don’t want to come off as someone that doesn’t believe in the power of love. I definitely have experienced it but the sad thing is, love comes and goes. We’re not mean to fall in love with one person, which was a mistake on Disney’s part. What they should have shown was Cinderella falling in love with her prince’s cousin Steve. Those kinds of stories are far more believable.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that life isn’t perfect and happily ever after is an illusion. The media creates a picture and expects us to believe in it. Their word is god. I say challenge what stands before you. Don’t settle for the fairytale, strive for realism.

Or don’t.

In Simple Terms...

Sometimes I don't know if listening to myself talk is as effective as writing the things I want to say. What I really want to say I mean. I've been spending the past 5 months trying to relocate myself. You see, I'm lost. A friend of mine refers to it as "losing my lid" or in simpler terms? I've gone crazy.

I'm often posed with the question of "why do you write?" Why does anybody? We all write because we feel the need to replace what is real, with whats not. I write for an escape and I write to feel safe.

Ever since I was a young child I've been in love with words. Looking back now, I would never have known how important they truely were until I didn't have any. Sometimes life leaves you speechless, and thats what happened to me.