All I have are memories and thats not enough.

They say to write good, you have to write what you feel. What do I feel? Nothing. I don't feel anything. My heart is broken and recovery is out of sight. To be honest, I don't know if its ever going to be "okay" again. I'm hopeful that it will, but for the most part thats bullshit statement. People walk in and out of your life all the time, so why does this hurt so bad? And here I am once again, with no words. I can't even convince my mind to work hard enough to find something.. anything worth saying. I cry. All the time. I cry so much that its pathetic. I usually cry until I make myself sick and than I do it all over again. Grief is handled in 5 stages, but I'm pretty sure I've counted about ten or twelve. Guess what? I'm still not "over it." I want to be angry at him. For leaving me. For leaving us. I want to be angry, but I can't. I can't make my heart feel anger towards him.. but I want to. What makes him think that I could live without him? What makes it okay to not have him here? Don't even bring god into this either, because I'm going to tell you right now.. My faith is being severely questioned. Whats sad is, I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe in something greater than myself.. I changed my ways and wanted to.. and than he took my brother away from me. I can't bring myself to be angry at my brother, but I can be angry with God. His plan is bullshit.. why would he put me through this? I don't blame him though.. not completely anyway. I'd give anything, just to have him back... but you and I both know that's impossible.

All I have are memories and thats not enough.


You say I'm strong
but I'm really not.
I'm falling apart; my heart is shattered.
I tried to smile today
and act like it mattered.
my heart doesn't work
I can't find the time to say
what I feel is nothing real
I'm alone now.. I'm alone.
I can't even write
my words they're so stupid
I pray for an angel
but with my luck they'd send me cupid.
I want to love though
I want to feel whole.
kind of like you did
before your life was stole.

You say I'm strong
but I'm really not.
I'm just a stupid girl
who doesn't even know what she's got.
I write because its real
I write because even when I'm sad
I need to remember to feel.
I say I don't care
but thats not in my heart.
I need to fall apart
if only to appreciate the art.
I'd probably write a good poem
if I remembered where to start
forever in our hearts
thats where you now call home.

You say I'm strong
but I'm really not.

I hide behind my words
because they've saved me alot.

©Yolanda Curiel 2009