My Life in Ruins/What you Said

When words have failed me in the past,
I resorted to humor.
When I couldn't find my way;
I resorted to a map.
When time was on my side;
I resorted to a race.
When freedom was in my grasp;
I resorted to slavery.

I resorted to laughter;
when words made me cry.
I resorted to opening my eyes;
when the light made them blind.
I resorted to standing still;
when so many things passed me by.
I resorted to fighting;
when I knew I was wrong.

When times were tough;
I resorted to anger.
When love failed;
I resorted to hate.
When I lost my faith;
I resorted to death.
When I saw my life in ruins;
I resorted to fear.

©Yolanda Curiel 2009

---

You ask me if I care;
and I say 'How can I'
you said what you said;
'I don't cry'
You say how dare you
and I say 'we're through'
you said what you said;
'tired of being you'
You ask me whats the matter;
and I say 'nothing'
you said what you said;
'a little bit of something'
You say I'm not alone;
and I say 'I think your wrong'
you said what you said;
'not even part of this song'
You ask me to share my pain;
and I say 'this is not what its about'
you said what you said;
'all I have is self doubt'
You ask me if I care;
and I say 'more than you realize'
you said what you said;
'my untimely demise'


©Yolanda Curiel 2009

All I have are memories and thats not enough.

They say to write good, you have to write what you feel. What do I feel? Nothing. I don't feel anything. My heart is broken and recovery is out of sight. To be honest, I don't know if its ever going to be "okay" again. I'm hopeful that it will, but for the most part thats bullshit statement. People walk in and out of your life all the time, so why does this hurt so bad? And here I am once again, with no words. I can't even convince my mind to work hard enough to find something.. anything worth saying. I cry. All the time. I cry so much that its pathetic. I usually cry until I make myself sick and than I do it all over again. Grief is handled in 5 stages, but I'm pretty sure I've counted about ten or twelve. Guess what? I'm still not "over it." I want to be angry at him. For leaving me. For leaving us. I want to be angry, but I can't. I can't make my heart feel anger towards him.. but I want to. What makes him think that I could live without him? What makes it okay to not have him here? Don't even bring god into this either, because I'm going to tell you right now.. My faith is being severely questioned. Whats sad is, I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe in something greater than myself.. I changed my ways and wanted to.. and than he took my brother away from me. I can't bring myself to be angry at my brother, but I can be angry with God. His plan is bullshit.. why would he put me through this? I don't blame him though.. not completely anyway. I'd give anything, just to have him back... but you and I both know that's impossible.

All I have are memories and thats not enough.


You say I'm strong
but I'm really not.
I'm falling apart; my heart is shattered.
I tried to smile today
and act like it mattered.
my heart doesn't work
I can't find the time to say
what I feel is nothing real
I'm alone now.. I'm alone.
I can't even write
my words they're so stupid
I pray for an angel
but with my luck they'd send me cupid.
I want to love though
I want to feel whole.
kind of like you did
before your life was stole.

You say I'm strong
but I'm really not.
I'm just a stupid girl
who doesn't even know what she's got.
I write because its real
I write because even when I'm sad
I need to remember to feel.
I say I don't care
but thats not in my heart.
I need to fall apart
if only to appreciate the art.
I'd probably write a good poem
if I remembered where to start
forever in our hearts
thats where you now call home.

You say I'm strong
but I'm really not.

I hide behind my words
because they've saved me alot.

©Yolanda Curiel 2009

Who I am;

When posed with the question of "Who am I?" I have to sit and reflect. I'm sure many people would have their own opinions on "Who I am." I'm sure alot of their opinions might be right. I am a combination of everyone that I've ever known. I want to believe that only the best shines through when it comes to the impact I've left on other people. Sadly, thats not the case. I've left a bitter taste in the mouth of my enemies, and I've left an unforgettable presence in the lives of my family and friends. Pleasing other people to make myself feel better is no longer an option. The year is 2010, and the only thing worth mentioning to anybody is that I've loved and I've lost. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am not naive. I know what it means to be broken and I am all too familiar with what it feels like to be hurt. Who am I? I'm a selfish human being, who wants nothing more than to find my niche in this world.

Saying I'm more than empty
is a cruel kind of crime
Trying to fix it,
nothing more than a waste of time.
I cry because I can't stop
trying to fix it
would be a huge flop
The only thing I know is how to pretend
It can't be like this,
this can't be the end.
I'm scared I turned out weak
Forced to deal and confused with being meek.
My heart is broken
its destroyed.
I feel empty
not much is going to replace this void.
I try to smile
to hide the frown
this is what I get
this is the upside to being down.


© Yolanda Curiel 2010

Trophy Life

Its a matter of fact
Its a matter of fun
Its a two steps forward
Its an always on the run

Its a matter of time
Its a matter of space
Its a fighting to the death
Its a stiff kick to the face

Its a matter of forgiving
Its a matter of laughter
Its a choice we make
Its a night of regret; no morning after

Its a matter of of choice
Its a matter of sad
Its a choosing to be happy
Its a forcing to be glad

Its a matter of loss
Its a matter of heart
Its a finding yourself
Its a realization you're falling apart

Its a matter of surviving
Its a matter of strife
Its a finding a help
Its a surviving this trophy life.

©Yolanda Curiel

Untitled.

I thought I was better but thats just a lie
no feelings, questions or answers
no excuse for the when or why.
I'm lost; all alone
unsure of the cost, no heart to call my own.
Its like a broken record; no music to be heard
these feelings, all ignored
just like a dying baby bird.

©Yolanda Curiel

Smile.

I saw you cry the day I left
I left the day I made you cry;
stolen in the night and gone in the day;
that was the day my life stopped
thats when you went away.

I cried and fell apart
that was the day you broke my heart
I can't understand why you couldn't stay
I can hear it in my head, that thing you would always say.

Your laugh, your smile, your voice, your dance
I beg and I plea, please.. one more chance.
to say I love you and give you a hug
to forgive you for yelling and attacking me with bugs!

One look and it was an instant trial
I'll see you again, its something I can say
I'll think of you and I'll cry, once and a while
my dear sweet boy.. are you okay?
can you smile?

©Yolanda Curiel

Broken Windows.

You wouldn't understand
if your world came in a box
You wouldn't understand
if your children were eaten by a fox
Broken windows could.

You wouldn't question
how many times you have to die
You wouldn't question
All the times you were left to cry
Broken Windows would.

You wouldn't lie
If it could save your life
You wouldn't lie
if it was your wife
broken windows could

You wouldn't fight
If it was your only choice
You wouldn't fight
to help make the world rejoice
Broken Windows would.

©Yolanda Curiel

Is this what healing feels like?

I hate that we have no control over the direction our lives take. Fate... is a funny thing and as we all know, I'm sure.. it can work in your favor or against it. I don't know what to do when good things start to happen, its almost like I can't handle it. Does that make sense? I don't want to say "I'm scared" because I don't necessarily think thats the word best fit to describe it. I'm just, I don't know, in a daze? Life is happening and I'm healing and it just is. I have a newfound appreciation for myself and the people I keep in my life. 9 months today.. Jake's 21st birthday and I don't want to jinx it but... I'll be damned. I'm smiling.


Life is currently beautiful. Alot beautiful. Its crazy.