the calm before the storm.

If people didn't ask me to do this I am almost positive this journal would never be updated this much. We're rounding the corner into Fall and I've said a few times now that I don't know whats going to happen. I don't know how I'm going to react when September rolls around and I don't know how bad October 3rd is going to be. I'm confident that despite the mental breakdown that almost seems inevitable, I'll be okay. See the problem with grieving is that they don't tell you exactly how long each stage is. Its almost been a year. 11 months on Sept 3rd. I spent too much time being depressed and feeling guilty, still do. I still feel like if things were done differently, my brother would still be here. I still am brought to instant tears talking about the guilt. I still question why I had to be the last one to spend time with him alive, and to find him in his bed.


Seeing a dead body just.. I don't know, it does something to you. I had only gone to one funeral before that. One of my best friends growing up Bob Begell. I wasn't prepared on what I had to endure. I don't know if things would have been different if I were. Doesn't mean I still don't question it though.


Healing though? Thats a pretty big step. Sometimes I can tell myself that its "getting better" and I actually believe it. I hold my emotions in pretty high regard when it comes to things like this because you see? I'm the strong one. I can "deal" and I can be "dependable".. not this time though. Its like everybody knows too. Even my closest friends have stopped asking and among family, its just not brought up. I have to bring it up though, I have to have that. Atleast for me. For some, it makes it better when you pretend its okay. Thats called denial and I can't, I just won't.


The truth is, I hurt all the time. I feel guilty still - to a point, when I'm happy and I miss him.


There's no doubt in my mind that the next couple of months are going to be hard. I get anxiety just thinking about it and its not even September yet.