Winds of Change.

September 2nd which means tomorrow will be the 3rd. On the 3rd day of every month I've found it hard not to think of what it is. An anniversary. Not one person would particularly want to celebrate, but one I find myself needing to celebrate every month. Thats a strange word to use to describe it though, "celebrate" Its not exactly a celebration. More of a remembering. Saying that I don't "remember" though throughout the month is also a false statement.


I've been dreading this month since this past October. Nothing is more scary than getting older (Sept 7th is my birthday) and nothing is more frightening than the realization that you're getting older alone. Its depressing, is what it is. I'm not by any means a depressing person, I'll be honest for the most part? I don't even think people really like me as much as they say. That of course being a result as to the fact that I don't like me... sometimes anyway. You know the saying "You can be in a room full of people you love, who love you and still feel alone?" (something like that) Yeah.. thats about where we're at for the month of September. I always wanted to be alone, until I was.


I just have alot of anxiety going into this month. I hate it when I do that, I hate when I set myself up for my own defeat. Alot of things are happening and moving fast. Don't get me wrong? I love change. I love what it does to a person, how it feels. How everythings different all of a sudden and than its not. I just can't get over this anxiety lately.


Its funny because growing up, this was MY mother. To a tee, always preparing for the worst so that she was never disappointed. We call that "Negative Nancy" "Grumpy Gus" and the always famous "Debbie Downer!" Growing up though I've always been a cross between pessimistic and optmistic. I don't think the glass is half empty or half full, I think its just a stupid glass. Good or bad I believe that if its meant to happen, it will.

Its September and I'm feeling this way? I'mnot supposed to be feeling this way because I'm supposed to be working on getting better. Getting over the fact that when people die, you can't change it... no matter how hard to try, or how much faith you put in believing that there "might" be a possibility. It just, doesn't always go as planned. Change. When its good its good, and when its against your will? It fucking sticks man...

I'm tired of being followed by this stupid dark cloud, but I don't know if I'm ready for it to go away.

Make sense?