because we all know that everything happens for a reason. Life is sometimes full of so many unanswered questions. I think it's our job to find those answers. Sometimes even if it's not what we want to hear. The past comes back to haunt us, more times than I certainly am willing to admit. Why does that happen? Why when we close some doors do they not stay locked? Between me and you some of these doors need a fucking padlock!

I guess that's what get's us by though huh? The excitement of it all?

Yeah.

You turn me inside out

and I promised myself I wouldn't let this friendship go to waste.

I came face to face with the realization that YES, I did have a nervous breakdown. I kind of always knew, but now I really know. It's hard to admit that we're broken. For me it's always been hard because it's not who I am. I'm the girl who survives, regardless.. and I didn't. My brother dying destroyed me. It did. Soon after I hit rock bottom and just... emotionally imploded. There's no better way to put it. I lost friends.. (and I'm not talking just a couple.. I'm talking ALOT) because they couldn't handle me at my worst. Really puts that saying "if you can't handle me at my worst, than you don't deserve me at my best" to heart. You really know who your friends are in times of trouble.

That being said? I just really want to thank you guys(and you know who you are) for always having my back. For asking how I'm doing. For offering limitless support, even when I didn't want it, or made it hard to give. I'm not an easy person to get along with when I'm upset and the past year and a half has been hell. I'll say it. You might not, hell.. you might even agree.. it's been hell.

I'm a better person for not having to go through this alone. So thanks.

No that's Zac Efron.

Why is it that no matter how disastrous others' lives seem to be, they will do NOTHING to change the outcome. Why is it so hard for others to just be alone. Get to know yourself and your son and not waste your life on ANOTHER loser! Or the same loser in this case, but still... my sister is once again the pain in my ass that I can't get rid of.

; do you know what it feels like for a girl

As we get older the old adage goes; the more things change, the more they stay the same. This could not be any more true. This past weekend was sort of a coming out party. (what New Years should have been) I didn't think. I just did. I laughed. I loved. But more importantly? I actually found myself LIVING. While thoughts of my brother continue to haunt me, I finally got over that hump. For those of you who have lost someone close to you, you know what I'm talking about. I finally realized this weekend that I was going to be okay. I can't say that there won't be days where I can't handle it, those days are not something you can plan and I've learned to expect them.. but I'm really going to be okay. This is just.. it's so much bigger than I've ever imagined and believe me, I didn't expect my grief to take over 90% of my life this past year and a half. I lost my faith... along with my mind. (I'm sure we can all agree on this) I feel free, even if I'm not. I feel like for the first time I can breathe. I don't have to drown in guilt, because there really was NOTHING I could do to change the situation... and I think that's what made everything so "broken" because there was nothing I couldn't fix... or change for him. The impact that we have on others is not nearly as strong as the impact that we have on ourselves and I learned that..

that's something right? Be prepared for an actual REAL update about what went on this weekend. Boys. Best Friends. Old Friends. New Friendships. I was NOT drunk. Chuck. Blasts from the Past. Serenity.