THIS!! ♥

"Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.”

—Rosemary Urquico

2 years.

"And I just ran out of bandaids,
I don’t even know where to start.
‘Cause you can bandage the damage,
But you never really can fix a heart."

They say that in time, all wounds heal. I don't know if the people who said this really understood the size of all these wounds. For the most part though, this can be chalked up as fact. You make up, you break up. You win, you lose. In time, the pain brought on from those really do heal. It's the big things however.. that just take time. I have to keep my mind busy because when it's not, it gives me time to think and often overthink.

If all things happen for a reason, why are these reasons hard to figure out? Believe me, I've spent the better half of two years trying to find the answer to this. I do think, however, that there are just some things that you have no control over. A realization that I've become most proud of. I've always been somewhat of a control freak. I don't know why, it's in my blood I guess. When it seemed as though things didn't go my way, or weren't going to, I'd always find ways to manipulate situations so they would. In a way, losing my brother was one of those things that I obviously couldn't control, but let's be honest.. I spent the past two years trying to figure out ways to change it, to bring him back. Denial on my part.

I don't think grief is handled in the way it should be, for anybody. Some people can just move on from death and be okay with it. Some people are sad for a while, and then okay. Then there are people like me. My heart was completely cut open the morning we found my brother dead. I keep telling myself that it might have been different if we hadn't seen the body. I keep trying to change the scenario of 'hell' with something I wish it would have looked like instead. I was already in a really bad place in my personal life and October 3rd sealed the coffin.

I've always been strong. I've always taken care of myself. But when you take a hit as big as this, you just.. you can't. I've carried guilt in my heart, or what's left of it, for something that I can't change! I can't and I know I can't! But it's there and my mind won't let me give it up! I've said it before and I'll say it again, guilt is a heavy burden. I know it's not my fault, but in my heart, I can't stop feeling like this. And it just picks and picks and picks and breaks me all over again. People have told me that it's okay to hate him. It's okay to be angry at him, but truth me told? I'm afraid of being angry. I've been turned inside out with the guilt alone that 'anger' might actually kill me.

Two years and I'm still desperately searching for a reason why my brother isn't here. Why 20 years old is an acceptable age to die. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are some GREAT unforseen reasons or will be down the road. I just.. I don't hate him.. I hate the situation I've been put in because of it.

So that makes me human right?

I always have the most success when writing as a character, whether it be RP or working on my novel 'Being Cinderella.' The second, however, that I have to actually express my ideals or feelings, I hit a brick wall. Usually head first, because it always ends in headache. I used to be so good at this, so it boggles my mind that lately I can't do it. I guess it's because I don't know what I'm feeling. 9/10 times my mood is morose at best. I don't have it in me to be anything else. When I'm happy, I get sad because I want to share this happiness with others, and they're not here. When I'm upset, I keep it in, because who wants to be brought down by other people's emotions?? I just have alot of feelings these days, haha!

With September now here, I know that the month will breeze by and October will pop right in. I say it'll be okay and I'll get through these two months easy, but then there's the holidays and I cry. It's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. And no, I'm not at all trying to forget my brother. I just want the hurt to go away, and the second it feels like it's desolving, it's back full force. October 3rd will be two years and that's two years too long without your best friend. Which was what my brother was. He was my best friend. And it's not like we just had a fight and eventually one of us will bite the bullet, get over our stubbornness and forgive and be back to normal. He's never coming back. Which in turn, buries the hurt deeper. my biggest fear is that the hole in my heart won't ever heal. Then what? Back to robot living?

I love my job.
I love that I start beauty school this September.
I love that I'm writing ALOT more.
I love that once again my closest "friends" have let me down.
I love that I'm not a robot, but these fucking "emo-tions" are OUT OF CONTROL.
I hate love. I love hate.
I hate that I work every Friday and Saturday Night.
I hate that I play black ops with a room full of cry baby bitches. (I'm looking at you Greg ;)
I hate that I was dumped for an old bitch (AGAIN - long story)
I hate that I let myself even feel a glimmer of hope in relationships.

This week has been a week of nothing but love and hate all over the board. I don't want your sympathy, it's just the way it is. Ya feel me?

because we all know that everything happens for a reason. Life is sometimes full of so many unanswered questions. I think it's our job to find those answers. Sometimes even if it's not what we want to hear. The past comes back to haunt us, more times than I certainly am willing to admit. Why does that happen? Why when we close some doors do they not stay locked? Between me and you some of these doors need a fucking padlock!

I guess that's what get's us by though huh? The excitement of it all?

Yeah.

You turn me inside out

and I promised myself I wouldn't let this friendship go to waste.

I came face to face with the realization that YES, I did have a nervous breakdown. I kind of always knew, but now I really know. It's hard to admit that we're broken. For me it's always been hard because it's not who I am. I'm the girl who survives, regardless.. and I didn't. My brother dying destroyed me. It did. Soon after I hit rock bottom and just... emotionally imploded. There's no better way to put it. I lost friends.. (and I'm not talking just a couple.. I'm talking ALOT) because they couldn't handle me at my worst. Really puts that saying "if you can't handle me at my worst, than you don't deserve me at my best" to heart. You really know who your friends are in times of trouble.

That being said? I just really want to thank you guys(and you know who you are) for always having my back. For asking how I'm doing. For offering limitless support, even when I didn't want it, or made it hard to give. I'm not an easy person to get along with when I'm upset and the past year and a half has been hell. I'll say it. You might not, hell.. you might even agree.. it's been hell.

I'm a better person for not having to go through this alone. So thanks.

No that's Zac Efron.

Why is it that no matter how disastrous others' lives seem to be, they will do NOTHING to change the outcome. Why is it so hard for others to just be alone. Get to know yourself and your son and not waste your life on ANOTHER loser! Or the same loser in this case, but still... my sister is once again the pain in my ass that I can't get rid of.

; do you know what it feels like for a girl

As we get older the old adage goes; the more things change, the more they stay the same. This could not be any more true. This past weekend was sort of a coming out party. (what New Years should have been) I didn't think. I just did. I laughed. I loved. But more importantly? I actually found myself LIVING. While thoughts of my brother continue to haunt me, I finally got over that hump. For those of you who have lost someone close to you, you know what I'm talking about. I finally realized this weekend that I was going to be okay. I can't say that there won't be days where I can't handle it, those days are not something you can plan and I've learned to expect them.. but I'm really going to be okay. This is just.. it's so much bigger than I've ever imagined and believe me, I didn't expect my grief to take over 90% of my life this past year and a half. I lost my faith... along with my mind. (I'm sure we can all agree on this) I feel free, even if I'm not. I feel like for the first time I can breathe. I don't have to drown in guilt, because there really was NOTHING I could do to change the situation... and I think that's what made everything so "broken" because there was nothing I couldn't fix... or change for him. The impact that we have on others is not nearly as strong as the impact that we have on ourselves and I learned that..

that's something right? Be prepared for an actual REAL update about what went on this weekend. Boys. Best Friends. Old Friends. New Friendships. I was NOT drunk. Chuck. Blasts from the Past. Serenity.

Movie Showdown (Friday)

There once was a girl.... who watched alot of movies. That girl undoubtedly was me. I've been watching a lot of movies lately and figured I might as well share my thoughts and not always as popular opinions on them. I laughed. I cried. I felt sick in the pit of my stomach... and there were some that unfortunately found it's way to the OFF button on my remote.

Black Swan
Easy A
Hall Pass
Jonah Hex
The Kids are Alright
And soon the darkness
Remember Me
Please Give


I guess I can start with the cliche' or what has become the cliche' : Lesbians kissing. For the record? If you went into Black Swan assuming that was the highlight of the movie, you are DEAD wrong. Personally speaking? I think I might have to watch the movie again because I missed the "love scene" that had everybody talking. Same goes for 'happy endings.' Does EVERY movie have to have a happy freaking ending? Let's be realistic here. Happy Endings ONLY happen in the movies and you know I'm partly right about that. Boy get's girl, girl get's boy of her dreams... husband and wife get back together even though throughout the movie you were sure they would stay apart.. Ugh! gag me with a spoon! It's just unrealistic to me and for once, I'd like to see a movie based on REAL LIFE... I'll try to make this as spoiler free as possible.

Which of course brings me to... Remember Me. If you saw the previews for this movie you already know that this movie stars Claire from Lost and every gay man's fantasy Edward Cullen. You know they're going to fall in love and that it might be a little difficult. While the role R Patt is playing isn't a far cry from "Edward" (he's just as awkward) you kind of get lost. Or atleast I did. Going into this I had negative "happy ending" vibes. I could relate to BOTH family aspects of Claire and Edward. I even could relate to both main characters. Which is what I LOVE about books. If I can relate in some way, you've already won me over... until the ending. After ALL of that? After all of that they decide to put a spin on the movie and KILL Edward?! I was instantly brought to tears!! Thinking about it now, I'm still a little sick over it. I don't want to ruin it... but I will. The movie takes place during 9-11 timeframe. Which of course is where Edward dies. Movie aside? 9-11 was one of the most heartbreaking things our country has ever had to face and I remember being a sophomore in high school sitting in Psych and just... flabbergasted. I had no emotions, but I do have alot of empathy (still do) and my heart hurt... this movie brought all those feelings back. Don't get me wrong, had this been Twilight and Edward died? The emotions would have been less effective. “Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says: “You’re nowhere near ready”. And the other half says: “Make her yours forever”. Michael, Caroline asked me what would I say if I knew you could hear me. I said: “I do know. I love you. God, I miss you, and I forgive you.” I rate Remember Me with Three (3) Stars and urge you all to see it.



Black Swan to me was almost disturbing. But in a good way, don't worry Natalie.. there will be no bashing of you in this. I just want to go on record of saying that Natalie was every part deserving of the academy award she won for her role as Nina in BS. Perfect in every sense of the word. This movie for me was all about pressure. Something that we all can relate to. Pressure to do well, pressure to land the part. Pressure to please yourself just as much as others. While I watched the movie I was captivated by the story. IF you've ever seen the ballet (I haven't) I'm told that it's a pretty hard thing to keep up with. Beautiful I'm sure, but behind the scenes I don't doubt it to be without catty behavior, secretly hoping all it takes is sleeping with your directer etc... My guess is that it's pretty elite. Nina's mother was almost too much to handle. Overbearing and just... hmm there's a word that I'm looking for here..? I just couldn't handle her. Mila Kunis was also great in her role, while not what I expected from my favorite Jackie from 70's Show.. I was still mildly impressed. The dance itself was heartfelt and breathtaking. "I was perfect." Go watch Black Swan. I gave it Five (5) Stars.



Not with a fizzle, but with a bang. Easy A. Need I say how much I love Emma Stone to begin with? I've been a fan of hers since Zombieland. Teen comedy's are fun for me to watch because I can always say... "Yup.. I know exactly who that is" Olive to me was... the epitome of who I thought myself during those high school years. Fairly known... but not for what I did, for what I didn't do. Rumors in high school (or any place for that matter) are pretty brutal. They get around fast, and by the time you hear it again it's contorted seven ways to the sun! I loved it though. I loved that it toughed on classic literature also. Scarlet Letter was one of my favorites when I was younger. (It actually still might be) I just loved the attitude Olive had throughout the movie. If that's what they said she was, that's exactly what she was going to be. Let's not forget about Lobster Todd. Hello! (HOT) It was classic cliche' teen movie and I loved it! “Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80’s movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80’s movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.” I gave Easy A a Five (5) star rating.



Josh Brolin won me over with wanting to watch Jonah Hex. Megan Fox ruined everything else. I wish I can say that I actually sat through this movie in it's entirety, but I did not. I don't know what it is about Megan Fox... but I hate her. Sure she's cute and people like her... not me though. It's just... really bad acting. Or maybe that's how she is in real life? I don't know.. I didn't know much about Jonah Hex to begin with. I'm told it's based on a comic? I just couldn't get into it. I gave Jonah Hex One (1) Star.



I can't believe I waited this long to watch Hall Pass. I laughed my ass off. But mostly because I really love inappropriate reasons of laughter. I learned alot from Hall Pass though. Men are horny, immature manchildren who need women to set them straight. Women are cold, sex hating shrews. Why does it always have to be the men that have problems in the marriage though? I'm sure women are just as scandalous, infact I know they are. This movie had the humor, the cliche', the drama, the twist... I couldn't help though by the end feel a little mad. What's the point in the Hall Pass if you're not going to use it correctly? Although I found parts funny... I was kind of disappointed by the overall picture. Owen Wilson is not even remotely close to being A-list anymore... although looking back? I'm not so sure he ever was. I gave Hall Pass a Three (3) Star rating.



The Kids Are Alright was my latest movie and I didn't know what it was about going into it. All I knew was that they had been nominated for alot of awards and that Julianne Moore and Annette Benning had played a lesbian couple...OH and that girl who played Alice in Alice in Wonderland was in it also. Brilliant cast aside, I don't think it even took a half hour into it before the cast alone won me over. Quirky, clever and yet still emotional, its a movie that I think says alot but in very few words. The thing I loved the most was that I didn't feel like it was forced. I didn't feel like I had to learn anything from it and it was genuine. Sperm Donors are a dime and a dozen, but it was so much more than that. Annette Benning and Julianne Moore delivered! Everything that happened throughout the film felt normal, and happened the way they are supposed to. I gave The Kids Are Alright a Five (5) Star rating.




Please Give was another one that I think was just brilliantly portrayed. Believable. Was I the only one that thought Amanda Pete was a raging bitch!? Holy hell this girl.. I guess that saying is true though, characters don't have to be likable to be enjoyable to watch. The thing I loved most about Please Give was that it told a story within a story. It's a dark comedy, which I like right off that bat. As a novelist in preparation, Dark Comedy is kind of my thing. It touches on marriage, cheating, adolescence, parenthood, first dates, and the end of life. I laughed. I cried. I felt uncomfortable... I also left as a fan of Rebecca Hall, which I wasn't before. I couldn't look away. I gave Please Give a Five (5) Star Rating.




Lastly on our list of movies I've watched this week; and Soon the Darkness. In jest, the movie is about two American girls who miss their bus in South America while on a biking thing. One get's killed (after she's saved) and one almost get's killed. The guy from Lord of the Rings (Karl Urban) plays a creepy guy, who you think is the bad guy, but turns out not to be. Never go to a foreign country with your slutty friend. She will get you kidnapped, raped, sold into slavery or killed... just putting that out there. Oh and another thing? Remember to always have a travel "buddy" when in foreign territory... I thought everybody knew that. I gave and Soon the Darkness a Four (4) Star rating.





So there you have it.

Thursday Thursday... comes before Friday!! ;)

Everything I write these days are "D"readful... with a capital D! I don't know what it is, but the more calm I am, the worse I seem to write. How sad is that? Makes me wonder if it's true what you hear about writers.. that they "write with feeling" how much feeling are we exactly talking about here? Don't get me wrong, I think my drama level is at an all-time high.. I just can't seem to produce the angst that I'm normally comfortable with. Clearly I need a change of scenery... hmmm?

When the going gets tough... GET TOUGHER!

I don't think I need to reiterate how much the past couple years have been spiraling downward, do I? It seems like whenever something goes right, ten other things go wrong lately. It's incredibly disheartening if you ask me. What this brings me to, is today's blog. Is it really so easy to bounce back after life it seems is anchored to the bottom?

One thing that recent life happenings have taught me is that, there is no future in negativity. I can certainly relate. Anybody that "knew" me can tell you that I was the poster child for NEGATIVE Nancy. I guess I never really understood how much negative energy really effects our lives.

That being said? I've been really pushing the positivity thing. Not so much for myself, but for others around me. Which of course begins the problem. If you're not doing it for yourself, than why on Earth would YOUR life improve? Bottom line? It doesn't.

Negativity drags you down. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I've read a few times about "emotional weight" and boy am I feeling it!! And who's to blame for it? Is there someone outside of myself to blame? All signs of course point to NO!

When you want to change, you certainly can't expect others to do it for you. Everything starts with YOU! That being said? When your day doesn't go the way you wanted it to, try to be positive and KNOW that tomorrow can always be better! It's something I will definitely be working on.

And as always, a smile goes a long way. :)

Lead, follow, or get out of the way.

I think for the most part, being "lost" is something I'm just going to have to come to terms with. More often than not, I have moments of pure insanity, and I'm not talking "doing something crazy."

While traveling on the road to finding myself, you know.. sometimes you just become more confused with the path you've chosen than you were in the beginning. Nobody said self-growth would be easy and it's not.

Everyday is a struggle to push myself to be okay. Everyday is a struggle to fight tears. I'm not emotional by any means, at least I never thought I was. After David died something in me just erupted. Like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz, I suddenly had a heart. And these feelings? I can't turn them off. I'm more aware of the things that bother me, rather than shutting them off, like I'd done so many times in the past.

I don't know, that's just where I'm at right now. Life, just is.

Breaking up is hard to do? while it wasn't the fault of anyone in particular, it was needed. I don't feel bad. Does that make me horrible? All these years, all these emotions and sad isn't one of them..? At-least not where my relationship is concerned it's not.

I realize my problems and what I need to fix about myself. I know who I want to be and I know what I want to be. I just I need to be okay. I need to be my self, my WHOLE self. I need help. I need to be myself.

I used to believe broken people would rule the world... I refuse to see that happen.. I've been lost for the better part of 3 years and I just can't. I can't do it anymore.

The first step is realizing you have a problem.
The second step is physically doing something about it.

For now, this chapter of my life has come to an end and while there is nothing wrong with looking back.. if YOU aren't the YOU, you were, than nothing is the same and it would be silly to think so.

Love is unattractive. It can expose our worst traits: Jealousy, irrational fears, heated anger; the gang’s all here! While it can bring out compassion and tenderness, it can also make you behave like the ugliest version of yourself. That can be okay for a little while, but love with real longevity should be like a xanax rather than an adderall.

stumbled across this little tidbit and loved it so much, it was moved to the "share" pile. Given my current "relationship" status, I thought it seemed appropriate.

Did you guys see it!?!?!?

haha, still obviously coming off of the Spartacus: Gods of the Arena finale.

I was completely shocked that Gannicus was set free!! I was literally like GLUED to the TV during the final battle... I didn't want him to die, and thought that they would kill him off... (as they did with Varro in blood and sand.. it's always my favs.. still bitter about that)but they didn't! He got his freedom instead, and than says that he will meet up w/ them again. Which has me seriously hoping he's in season 3!

I didn't think they should have executed Diona, it was sad. :(

Thought it was great that they showed Asher getting hurt, but I could have sworn they said Barca was the one that burnt him?! anybody??

Also interesting to see what they're going to do since Lesley-Ann Brandt isn't coming back as Naevia. Re-cast maybe? Hmm.. I really love the chemistry between Naevia and Crixus, so... it's definitely going to be interesting.

Did anybody else think that Gannicus was going to admit to Oenomaus about he and Melitta!? Would have probably killed him if he did! :\

ANYWAY... awesome awesome awesome. Really excited for season 3... does anybody know if Lucy Lawless is coming back?? Someone told me she was going to, but that was a hell of a stabbing she took lol.. Lucretia was one of my favorite's from Blood and Sand|Gods of the Arena though.


Spartacus: Vengeance Season 3 will air in JAN, 2012

If it's not like the movies;

The more I promise to blog often, the more uninterested I am in doing so. That being said? I had a rush of inspiration tonight and saw it fit to utilize it properly.. in a blog, so here goes.

I guess the easiest place for me to start is by saying to those of you who have anxiously waited for updates on my writing, thank you. Sometimes even when I absolutely am not feeling "secure" in what I do, having even one person continue to ask, or encourage means the world to me. It's crazy the support I get "online" over real life. I can't tell you enough how incredible that is. So really guys, thanks so much. (and you know who you all are)

A few months ago my computer's hard drive died on me, before I had a chance to back up what could have been in my opinion the story that "made me" a "writer." I was devestated, and even that isn't enough to define how I felt. Months of hard work, months of late nights and non-stop writing all gone. I tried to write it over, to capture all that I felt when I had originally created it but as they say.. all good things eventually have to come to an end. So I put "BEING CINDERELLA" on the shelf.

I did, I hated myself for it because to me that is giving up. Alot of people might not think it's a big deal but words for me.. it's all I have. As a writer, I'm not defined by skill, but by story. I had worked so hard and felt like I abandoned a child with no questions asked. That's when the most incredible thing happened.. I was sitting at the computer, staring at the blank white screen and everything just came flooding back in.

I have been reunited with a child long forgotten... and it feels so good! ;)

love me, love me; say that you love me...

No matter how hard I try, there are some things about myself that I just can't escape. I am full-heartedly my own worst enemy. Friendships, career, family, love.. all aspects that shouldn't be left out.

I just don't know what my problem is. What the fuck is wrong with me? Honestly, if someone knows TELL ME! I can't fix it. I can't fix who I am and I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired.

It kills me that I can't do better. I can't do well by myself.

I don't need a reality check. I need help!

Welcome to 2011

I'm not good at being disappointed. It makes me bitter and one feeling I hate above all others, is bitterness. I tried, and thats enough for me. I tried, and than tried again. No matter how you spin it? I'm just not THAT person anymore. I'm not who I was. That's the thing with TIME. Eventually while everything moves, you have to too.

My New Years didn't start the way I wanted it to, but it ended the way it was supposed to. They say that people create their own drama, their own realiities and I'm starting to believe that might be true. I was told last night that "You are the way you are because you want to be. You don't accept help, because you want to be miserable, you LOVE being miserable." and maybe I do. Maybe I don't want to be "HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY" maybe, just maybe I'm not ready to be happy again. Maybe I don't know how?! Fucking hypocritical bastards, these people I consider my friends, let me tell you.

But they also say that the truth hurts.