2 years.

"And I just ran out of bandaids,
I don’t even know where to start.
‘Cause you can bandage the damage,
But you never really can fix a heart."

They say that in time, all wounds heal. I don't know if the people who said this really understood the size of all these wounds. For the most part though, this can be chalked up as fact. You make up, you break up. You win, you lose. In time, the pain brought on from those really do heal. It's the big things however.. that just take time. I have to keep my mind busy because when it's not, it gives me time to think and often overthink.

If all things happen for a reason, why are these reasons hard to figure out? Believe me, I've spent the better half of two years trying to find the answer to this. I do think, however, that there are just some things that you have no control over. A realization that I've become most proud of. I've always been somewhat of a control freak. I don't know why, it's in my blood I guess. When it seemed as though things didn't go my way, or weren't going to, I'd always find ways to manipulate situations so they would. In a way, losing my brother was one of those things that I obviously couldn't control, but let's be honest.. I spent the past two years trying to figure out ways to change it, to bring him back. Denial on my part.

I don't think grief is handled in the way it should be, for anybody. Some people can just move on from death and be okay with it. Some people are sad for a while, and then okay. Then there are people like me. My heart was completely cut open the morning we found my brother dead. I keep telling myself that it might have been different if we hadn't seen the body. I keep trying to change the scenario of 'hell' with something I wish it would have looked like instead. I was already in a really bad place in my personal life and October 3rd sealed the coffin.

I've always been strong. I've always taken care of myself. But when you take a hit as big as this, you just.. you can't. I've carried guilt in my heart, or what's left of it, for something that I can't change! I can't and I know I can't! But it's there and my mind won't let me give it up! I've said it before and I'll say it again, guilt is a heavy burden. I know it's not my fault, but in my heart, I can't stop feeling like this. And it just picks and picks and picks and breaks me all over again. People have told me that it's okay to hate him. It's okay to be angry at him, but truth me told? I'm afraid of being angry. I've been turned inside out with the guilt alone that 'anger' might actually kill me.

Two years and I'm still desperately searching for a reason why my brother isn't here. Why 20 years old is an acceptable age to die. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are some GREAT unforseen reasons or will be down the road. I just.. I don't hate him.. I hate the situation I've been put in because of it.

So that makes me human right?