because we all know that everything happens for a reason. Life is sometimes full of so many unanswered questions. I think it's our job to find those answers. Sometimes even if it's not what we want to hear. The past comes back to haunt us, more times than I certainly am willing to admit. Why does that happen? Why when we close some doors do they not stay locked? Between me and you some of these doors need a fucking padlock!

I guess that's what get's us by though huh? The excitement of it all?

Yeah.

You turn me inside out

and I promised myself I wouldn't let this friendship go to waste.

I came face to face with the realization that YES, I did have a nervous breakdown. I kind of always knew, but now I really know. It's hard to admit that we're broken. For me it's always been hard because it's not who I am. I'm the girl who survives, regardless.. and I didn't. My brother dying destroyed me. It did. Soon after I hit rock bottom and just... emotionally imploded. There's no better way to put it. I lost friends.. (and I'm not talking just a couple.. I'm talking ALOT) because they couldn't handle me at my worst. Really puts that saying "if you can't handle me at my worst, than you don't deserve me at my best" to heart. You really know who your friends are in times of trouble.

That being said? I just really want to thank you guys(and you know who you are) for always having my back. For asking how I'm doing. For offering limitless support, even when I didn't want it, or made it hard to give. I'm not an easy person to get along with when I'm upset and the past year and a half has been hell. I'll say it. You might not, hell.. you might even agree.. it's been hell.

I'm a better person for not having to go through this alone. So thanks.

No that's Zac Efron.

Why is it that no matter how disastrous others' lives seem to be, they will do NOTHING to change the outcome. Why is it so hard for others to just be alone. Get to know yourself and your son and not waste your life on ANOTHER loser! Or the same loser in this case, but still... my sister is once again the pain in my ass that I can't get rid of.

; do you know what it feels like for a girl

As we get older the old adage goes; the more things change, the more they stay the same. This could not be any more true. This past weekend was sort of a coming out party. (what New Years should have been) I didn't think. I just did. I laughed. I loved. But more importantly? I actually found myself LIVING. While thoughts of my brother continue to haunt me, I finally got over that hump. For those of you who have lost someone close to you, you know what I'm talking about. I finally realized this weekend that I was going to be okay. I can't say that there won't be days where I can't handle it, those days are not something you can plan and I've learned to expect them.. but I'm really going to be okay. This is just.. it's so much bigger than I've ever imagined and believe me, I didn't expect my grief to take over 90% of my life this past year and a half. I lost my faith... along with my mind. (I'm sure we can all agree on this) I feel free, even if I'm not. I feel like for the first time I can breathe. I don't have to drown in guilt, because there really was NOTHING I could do to change the situation... and I think that's what made everything so "broken" because there was nothing I couldn't fix... or change for him. The impact that we have on others is not nearly as strong as the impact that we have on ourselves and I learned that..

that's something right? Be prepared for an actual REAL update about what went on this weekend. Boys. Best Friends. Old Friends. New Friendships. I was NOT drunk. Chuck. Blasts from the Past. Serenity.

Movie Showdown (Friday)

There once was a girl.... who watched alot of movies. That girl undoubtedly was me. I've been watching a lot of movies lately and figured I might as well share my thoughts and not always as popular opinions on them. I laughed. I cried. I felt sick in the pit of my stomach... and there were some that unfortunately found it's way to the OFF button on my remote.

Black Swan
Easy A
Hall Pass
Jonah Hex
The Kids are Alright
And soon the darkness
Remember Me
Please Give


I guess I can start with the cliche' or what has become the cliche' : Lesbians kissing. For the record? If you went into Black Swan assuming that was the highlight of the movie, you are DEAD wrong. Personally speaking? I think I might have to watch the movie again because I missed the "love scene" that had everybody talking. Same goes for 'happy endings.' Does EVERY movie have to have a happy freaking ending? Let's be realistic here. Happy Endings ONLY happen in the movies and you know I'm partly right about that. Boy get's girl, girl get's boy of her dreams... husband and wife get back together even though throughout the movie you were sure they would stay apart.. Ugh! gag me with a spoon! It's just unrealistic to me and for once, I'd like to see a movie based on REAL LIFE... I'll try to make this as spoiler free as possible.

Which of course brings me to... Remember Me. If you saw the previews for this movie you already know that this movie stars Claire from Lost and every gay man's fantasy Edward Cullen. You know they're going to fall in love and that it might be a little difficult. While the role R Patt is playing isn't a far cry from "Edward" (he's just as awkward) you kind of get lost. Or atleast I did. Going into this I had negative "happy ending" vibes. I could relate to BOTH family aspects of Claire and Edward. I even could relate to both main characters. Which is what I LOVE about books. If I can relate in some way, you've already won me over... until the ending. After ALL of that? After all of that they decide to put a spin on the movie and KILL Edward?! I was instantly brought to tears!! Thinking about it now, I'm still a little sick over it. I don't want to ruin it... but I will. The movie takes place during 9-11 timeframe. Which of course is where Edward dies. Movie aside? 9-11 was one of the most heartbreaking things our country has ever had to face and I remember being a sophomore in high school sitting in Psych and just... flabbergasted. I had no emotions, but I do have alot of empathy (still do) and my heart hurt... this movie brought all those feelings back. Don't get me wrong, had this been Twilight and Edward died? The emotions would have been less effective. “Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says: “You’re nowhere near ready”. And the other half says: “Make her yours forever”. Michael, Caroline asked me what would I say if I knew you could hear me. I said: “I do know. I love you. God, I miss you, and I forgive you.” I rate Remember Me with Three (3) Stars and urge you all to see it.



Black Swan to me was almost disturbing. But in a good way, don't worry Natalie.. there will be no bashing of you in this. I just want to go on record of saying that Natalie was every part deserving of the academy award she won for her role as Nina in BS. Perfect in every sense of the word. This movie for me was all about pressure. Something that we all can relate to. Pressure to do well, pressure to land the part. Pressure to please yourself just as much as others. While I watched the movie I was captivated by the story. IF you've ever seen the ballet (I haven't) I'm told that it's a pretty hard thing to keep up with. Beautiful I'm sure, but behind the scenes I don't doubt it to be without catty behavior, secretly hoping all it takes is sleeping with your directer etc... My guess is that it's pretty elite. Nina's mother was almost too much to handle. Overbearing and just... hmm there's a word that I'm looking for here..? I just couldn't handle her. Mila Kunis was also great in her role, while not what I expected from my favorite Jackie from 70's Show.. I was still mildly impressed. The dance itself was heartfelt and breathtaking. "I was perfect." Go watch Black Swan. I gave it Five (5) Stars.



Not with a fizzle, but with a bang. Easy A. Need I say how much I love Emma Stone to begin with? I've been a fan of hers since Zombieland. Teen comedy's are fun for me to watch because I can always say... "Yup.. I know exactly who that is" Olive to me was... the epitome of who I thought myself during those high school years. Fairly known... but not for what I did, for what I didn't do. Rumors in high school (or any place for that matter) are pretty brutal. They get around fast, and by the time you hear it again it's contorted seven ways to the sun! I loved it though. I loved that it toughed on classic literature also. Scarlet Letter was one of my favorites when I was younger. (It actually still might be) I just loved the attitude Olive had throughout the movie. If that's what they said she was, that's exactly what she was going to be. Let's not forget about Lobster Todd. Hello! (HOT) It was classic cliche' teen movie and I loved it! “Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80’s movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80’s movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.” I gave Easy A a Five (5) star rating.



Josh Brolin won me over with wanting to watch Jonah Hex. Megan Fox ruined everything else. I wish I can say that I actually sat through this movie in it's entirety, but I did not. I don't know what it is about Megan Fox... but I hate her. Sure she's cute and people like her... not me though. It's just... really bad acting. Or maybe that's how she is in real life? I don't know.. I didn't know much about Jonah Hex to begin with. I'm told it's based on a comic? I just couldn't get into it. I gave Jonah Hex One (1) Star.



I can't believe I waited this long to watch Hall Pass. I laughed my ass off. But mostly because I really love inappropriate reasons of laughter. I learned alot from Hall Pass though. Men are horny, immature manchildren who need women to set them straight. Women are cold, sex hating shrews. Why does it always have to be the men that have problems in the marriage though? I'm sure women are just as scandalous, infact I know they are. This movie had the humor, the cliche', the drama, the twist... I couldn't help though by the end feel a little mad. What's the point in the Hall Pass if you're not going to use it correctly? Although I found parts funny... I was kind of disappointed by the overall picture. Owen Wilson is not even remotely close to being A-list anymore... although looking back? I'm not so sure he ever was. I gave Hall Pass a Three (3) Star rating.



The Kids Are Alright was my latest movie and I didn't know what it was about going into it. All I knew was that they had been nominated for alot of awards and that Julianne Moore and Annette Benning had played a lesbian couple...OH and that girl who played Alice in Alice in Wonderland was in it also. Brilliant cast aside, I don't think it even took a half hour into it before the cast alone won me over. Quirky, clever and yet still emotional, its a movie that I think says alot but in very few words. The thing I loved the most was that I didn't feel like it was forced. I didn't feel like I had to learn anything from it and it was genuine. Sperm Donors are a dime and a dozen, but it was so much more than that. Annette Benning and Julianne Moore delivered! Everything that happened throughout the film felt normal, and happened the way they are supposed to. I gave The Kids Are Alright a Five (5) Star rating.




Please Give was another one that I think was just brilliantly portrayed. Believable. Was I the only one that thought Amanda Pete was a raging bitch!? Holy hell this girl.. I guess that saying is true though, characters don't have to be likable to be enjoyable to watch. The thing I loved most about Please Give was that it told a story within a story. It's a dark comedy, which I like right off that bat. As a novelist in preparation, Dark Comedy is kind of my thing. It touches on marriage, cheating, adolescence, parenthood, first dates, and the end of life. I laughed. I cried. I felt uncomfortable... I also left as a fan of Rebecca Hall, which I wasn't before. I couldn't look away. I gave Please Give a Five (5) Star Rating.




Lastly on our list of movies I've watched this week; and Soon the Darkness. In jest, the movie is about two American girls who miss their bus in South America while on a biking thing. One get's killed (after she's saved) and one almost get's killed. The guy from Lord of the Rings (Karl Urban) plays a creepy guy, who you think is the bad guy, but turns out not to be. Never go to a foreign country with your slutty friend. She will get you kidnapped, raped, sold into slavery or killed... just putting that out there. Oh and another thing? Remember to always have a travel "buddy" when in foreign territory... I thought everybody knew that. I gave and Soon the Darkness a Four (4) Star rating.





So there you have it.

Thursday Thursday... comes before Friday!! ;)

Everything I write these days are "D"readful... with a capital D! I don't know what it is, but the more calm I am, the worse I seem to write. How sad is that? Makes me wonder if it's true what you hear about writers.. that they "write with feeling" how much feeling are we exactly talking about here? Don't get me wrong, I think my drama level is at an all-time high.. I just can't seem to produce the angst that I'm normally comfortable with. Clearly I need a change of scenery... hmmm?

When the going gets tough... GET TOUGHER!

I don't think I need to reiterate how much the past couple years have been spiraling downward, do I? It seems like whenever something goes right, ten other things go wrong lately. It's incredibly disheartening if you ask me. What this brings me to, is today's blog. Is it really so easy to bounce back after life it seems is anchored to the bottom?

One thing that recent life happenings have taught me is that, there is no future in negativity. I can certainly relate. Anybody that "knew" me can tell you that I was the poster child for NEGATIVE Nancy. I guess I never really understood how much negative energy really effects our lives.

That being said? I've been really pushing the positivity thing. Not so much for myself, but for others around me. Which of course begins the problem. If you're not doing it for yourself, than why on Earth would YOUR life improve? Bottom line? It doesn't.

Negativity drags you down. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I've read a few times about "emotional weight" and boy am I feeling it!! And who's to blame for it? Is there someone outside of myself to blame? All signs of course point to NO!

When you want to change, you certainly can't expect others to do it for you. Everything starts with YOU! That being said? When your day doesn't go the way you wanted it to, try to be positive and KNOW that tomorrow can always be better! It's something I will definitely be working on.

And as always, a smile goes a long way. :)