; do you know what it feels like for a girl

As we get older the old adage goes; the more things change, the more they stay the same. This could not be any more true. This past weekend was sort of a coming out party. (what New Years should have been) I didn't think. I just did. I laughed. I loved. But more importantly? I actually found myself LIVING. While thoughts of my brother continue to haunt me, I finally got over that hump. For those of you who have lost someone close to you, you know what I'm talking about. I finally realized this weekend that I was going to be okay. I can't say that there won't be days where I can't handle it, those days are not something you can plan and I've learned to expect them.. but I'm really going to be okay. This is just.. it's so much bigger than I've ever imagined and believe me, I didn't expect my grief to take over 90% of my life this past year and a half. I lost my faith... along with my mind. (I'm sure we can all agree on this) I feel free, even if I'm not. I feel like for the first time I can breathe. I don't have to drown in guilt, because there really was NOTHING I could do to change the situation... and I think that's what made everything so "broken" because there was nothing I couldn't fix... or change for him. The impact that we have on others is not nearly as strong as the impact that we have on ourselves and I learned that..

that's something right? Be prepared for an actual REAL update about what went on this weekend. Boys. Best Friends. Old Friends. New Friendships. I was NOT drunk. Chuck. Blasts from the Past. Serenity.