Ello!!

I just finished reading one of my all time favorite books and thought I would share some of the books quotes with you all! You may have heard of them (:

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be..

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.



"I hate you." "I love you."

I turned around and walked to my room and closed my door and put my head under my pillow and let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be.

This moment will just be another story someday.

I am very interested and fascinated by how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other.

[we accept the love we think we deserve]

I think it was the first time in my life I ever felt like I looked "good". Do you know what I mean? That nice feeling when you look in the mirror, and your hair's right for the first time in your life? I don't think we should base so much on weight, muscles, and a good hair day, but when it happens, it's nice. It really is.

It's kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. And it gets to a point where none of it seems real.

I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.

things change. And friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody.

And I guess I realized at that moment that I really did love her. Because there was nothing to gain, and that didn't matter.

You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things.

You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.


So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.


If you've never read the book, seriously pick it up. Its completely moving and inspirational for all!

the calm before the storm.

If people didn't ask me to do this I am almost positive this journal would never be updated this much. We're rounding the corner into Fall and I've said a few times now that I don't know whats going to happen. I don't know how I'm going to react when September rolls around and I don't know how bad October 3rd is going to be. I'm confident that despite the mental breakdown that almost seems inevitable, I'll be okay. See the problem with grieving is that they don't tell you exactly how long each stage is. Its almost been a year. 11 months on Sept 3rd. I spent too much time being depressed and feeling guilty, still do. I still feel like if things were done differently, my brother would still be here. I still am brought to instant tears talking about the guilt. I still question why I had to be the last one to spend time with him alive, and to find him in his bed.


Seeing a dead body just.. I don't know, it does something to you. I had only gone to one funeral before that. One of my best friends growing up Bob Begell. I wasn't prepared on what I had to endure. I don't know if things would have been different if I were. Doesn't mean I still don't question it though.


Healing though? Thats a pretty big step. Sometimes I can tell myself that its "getting better" and I actually believe it. I hold my emotions in pretty high regard when it comes to things like this because you see? I'm the strong one. I can "deal" and I can be "dependable".. not this time though. Its like everybody knows too. Even my closest friends have stopped asking and among family, its just not brought up. I have to bring it up though, I have to have that. Atleast for me. For some, it makes it better when you pretend its okay. Thats called denial and I can't, I just won't.


The truth is, I hurt all the time. I feel guilty still - to a point, when I'm happy and I miss him.


There's no doubt in my mind that the next couple of months are going to be hard. I get anxiety just thinking about it and its not even September yet.

Same old song and dance ♫

Hola! Bonjour... Hello.. Hi.. whats up? Que pasa? All that other stuff... How you people be? Basically I've been on hiatus from most of the internet. Its honestly taken me about a full week to get back to normal after only a 4 day vaca lol
.
Some of you already know this, new people as well as non frequent peeps don't. I'm meeting with a publisher in hopes of getting a book published. At this point I don't care if its an actual novel or a book of poetry, short stories ect... as long as its a book with my name on it. Does that sound bad? Well I had started one after my brother died called "Being Cinderella" We had a good run and I may not completely give up on it yet but when my computer crashed, I lost a good amount of it. Weeks of trying to recover what wasn't written on paper(I always do drafts on paper first) I'm at a stand still. I want to say I finished it, regardless if its just for my own knowing that I set my mind on something so heavy and finished it. I just don't know if I can. Those who know me, know... I suffer from occasional ADD... I get sidetracked, procrastinate and than get angry haha. I just, I don't finish anything, hardly ever... and because one isn't enough, I'm working on a second novel attempt.

Wanna hear about it? Of course you don't, but here goes: I had a life changing epiphany in a dream a few weeks ago. Its something that's never hit me until the "dream" because I thought I had closed the door on that genre of writing for a while now. All the writers workshops and school hours put in and I actually feel silly having not even attempted such a thing before now. Sci Fi|Fantasy. It was where I shined in the past and just thinking about it gives me goosebumps. So to back up this "epiphany" I had, I dug deep into the past. Writing, RP, Writing, College, High School, Junior High, my invisible friend with special powers back in the 3rd grade[you can laugh - his name was Charlie] anyway for me, how I "know" I have something is when even after all that I still feel just as passionate about it after it was replanted in my mind. I should have been writing this all along. Old muse are being reborn and more depth than ever will be added on. I feel 100% in writing this. I do.

Long story short - because I did have a point. Being Cinderella is more of a dark comedy, humour, deep kind of self help novel. The story of Abby and Landon? Thats pretty special. I created them and I say everybody gets a chance to come alive.

To those who have "held my hand" in writing Being Cinderella, you have my word and promise that I will do what I promised when I started this story. I'll finish it and I'll make not only myself and my brother proud, but you guys as well. Its incredible as to how many people have supported me in writing "BC" and I hope you follow me along the journey of this new project.

xoxo

My Life in Ruins/What you Said

When words have failed me in the past,
I resorted to humor.
When I couldn't find my way;
I resorted to a map.
When time was on my side;
I resorted to a race.
When freedom was in my grasp;
I resorted to slavery.

I resorted to laughter;
when words made me cry.
I resorted to opening my eyes;
when the light made them blind.
I resorted to standing still;
when so many things passed me by.
I resorted to fighting;
when I knew I was wrong.

When times were tough;
I resorted to anger.
When love failed;
I resorted to hate.
When I lost my faith;
I resorted to death.
When I saw my life in ruins;
I resorted to fear.

©Yolanda Curiel 2009

---

You ask me if I care;
and I say 'How can I'
you said what you said;
'I don't cry'
You say how dare you
and I say 'we're through'
you said what you said;
'tired of being you'
You ask me whats the matter;
and I say 'nothing'
you said what you said;
'a little bit of something'
You say I'm not alone;
and I say 'I think your wrong'
you said what you said;
'not even part of this song'
You ask me to share my pain;
and I say 'this is not what its about'
you said what you said;
'all I have is self doubt'
You ask me if I care;
and I say 'more than you realize'
you said what you said;
'my untimely demise'


©Yolanda Curiel 2009

All I have are memories and thats not enough.

They say to write good, you have to write what you feel. What do I feel? Nothing. I don't feel anything. My heart is broken and recovery is out of sight. To be honest, I don't know if its ever going to be "okay" again. I'm hopeful that it will, but for the most part thats bullshit statement. People walk in and out of your life all the time, so why does this hurt so bad? And here I am once again, with no words. I can't even convince my mind to work hard enough to find something.. anything worth saying. I cry. All the time. I cry so much that its pathetic. I usually cry until I make myself sick and than I do it all over again. Grief is handled in 5 stages, but I'm pretty sure I've counted about ten or twelve. Guess what? I'm still not "over it." I want to be angry at him. For leaving me. For leaving us. I want to be angry, but I can't. I can't make my heart feel anger towards him.. but I want to. What makes him think that I could live without him? What makes it okay to not have him here? Don't even bring god into this either, because I'm going to tell you right now.. My faith is being severely questioned. Whats sad is, I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe in something greater than myself.. I changed my ways and wanted to.. and than he took my brother away from me. I can't bring myself to be angry at my brother, but I can be angry with God. His plan is bullshit.. why would he put me through this? I don't blame him though.. not completely anyway. I'd give anything, just to have him back... but you and I both know that's impossible.

All I have are memories and thats not enough.


You say I'm strong
but I'm really not.
I'm falling apart; my heart is shattered.
I tried to smile today
and act like it mattered.
my heart doesn't work
I can't find the time to say
what I feel is nothing real
I'm alone now.. I'm alone.
I can't even write
my words they're so stupid
I pray for an angel
but with my luck they'd send me cupid.
I want to love though
I want to feel whole.
kind of like you did
before your life was stole.

You say I'm strong
but I'm really not.
I'm just a stupid girl
who doesn't even know what she's got.
I write because its real
I write because even when I'm sad
I need to remember to feel.
I say I don't care
but thats not in my heart.
I need to fall apart
if only to appreciate the art.
I'd probably write a good poem
if I remembered where to start
forever in our hearts
thats where you now call home.

You say I'm strong
but I'm really not.

I hide behind my words
because they've saved me alot.

©Yolanda Curiel 2009

Who I am;

When posed with the question of "Who am I?" I have to sit and reflect. I'm sure many people would have their own opinions on "Who I am." I'm sure alot of their opinions might be right. I am a combination of everyone that I've ever known. I want to believe that only the best shines through when it comes to the impact I've left on other people. Sadly, thats not the case. I've left a bitter taste in the mouth of my enemies, and I've left an unforgettable presence in the lives of my family and friends. Pleasing other people to make myself feel better is no longer an option. The year is 2010, and the only thing worth mentioning to anybody is that I've loved and I've lost. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am not naive. I know what it means to be broken and I am all too familiar with what it feels like to be hurt. Who am I? I'm a selfish human being, who wants nothing more than to find my niche in this world.

Saying I'm more than empty
is a cruel kind of crime
Trying to fix it,
nothing more than a waste of time.
I cry because I can't stop
trying to fix it
would be a huge flop
The only thing I know is how to pretend
It can't be like this,
this can't be the end.
I'm scared I turned out weak
Forced to deal and confused with being meek.
My heart is broken
its destroyed.
I feel empty
not much is going to replace this void.
I try to smile
to hide the frown
this is what I get
this is the upside to being down.


© Yolanda Curiel 2010