Lead, follow, or get out of the way.

I think for the most part, being "lost" is something I'm just going to have to come to terms with. More often than not, I have moments of pure insanity, and I'm not talking "doing something crazy."

While traveling on the road to finding myself, you know.. sometimes you just become more confused with the path you've chosen than you were in the beginning. Nobody said self-growth would be easy and it's not.

Everyday is a struggle to push myself to be okay. Everyday is a struggle to fight tears. I'm not emotional by any means, at least I never thought I was. After David died something in me just erupted. Like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz, I suddenly had a heart. And these feelings? I can't turn them off. I'm more aware of the things that bother me, rather than shutting them off, like I'd done so many times in the past.

I don't know, that's just where I'm at right now. Life, just is.

Breaking up is hard to do? while it wasn't the fault of anyone in particular, it was needed. I don't feel bad. Does that make me horrible? All these years, all these emotions and sad isn't one of them..? At-least not where my relationship is concerned it's not.

I realize my problems and what I need to fix about myself. I know who I want to be and I know what I want to be. I just I need to be okay. I need to be my self, my WHOLE self. I need help. I need to be myself.

I used to believe broken people would rule the world... I refuse to see that happen.. I've been lost for the better part of 3 years and I just can't. I can't do it anymore.

The first step is realizing you have a problem.
The second step is physically doing something about it.

For now, this chapter of my life has come to an end and while there is nothing wrong with looking back.. if YOU aren't the YOU, you were, than nothing is the same and it would be silly to think so.

Love is unattractive. It can expose our worst traits: Jealousy, irrational fears, heated anger; the gang’s all here! While it can bring out compassion and tenderness, it can also make you behave like the ugliest version of yourself. That can be okay for a little while, but love with real longevity should be like a xanax rather than an adderall.

stumbled across this little tidbit and loved it so much, it was moved to the "share" pile. Given my current "relationship" status, I thought it seemed appropriate.

Did you guys see it!?!?!?

haha, still obviously coming off of the Spartacus: Gods of the Arena finale.

I was completely shocked that Gannicus was set free!! I was literally like GLUED to the TV during the final battle... I didn't want him to die, and thought that they would kill him off... (as they did with Varro in blood and sand.. it's always my favs.. still bitter about that)but they didn't! He got his freedom instead, and than says that he will meet up w/ them again. Which has me seriously hoping he's in season 3!

I didn't think they should have executed Diona, it was sad. :(

Thought it was great that they showed Asher getting hurt, but I could have sworn they said Barca was the one that burnt him?! anybody??

Also interesting to see what they're going to do since Lesley-Ann Brandt isn't coming back as Naevia. Re-cast maybe? Hmm.. I really love the chemistry between Naevia and Crixus, so... it's definitely going to be interesting.

Did anybody else think that Gannicus was going to admit to Oenomaus about he and Melitta!? Would have probably killed him if he did! :\

ANYWAY... awesome awesome awesome. Really excited for season 3... does anybody know if Lucy Lawless is coming back?? Someone told me she was going to, but that was a hell of a stabbing she took lol.. Lucretia was one of my favorite's from Blood and Sand|Gods of the Arena though.


Spartacus: Vengeance Season 3 will air in JAN, 2012

If it's not like the movies;

The more I promise to blog often, the more uninterested I am in doing so. That being said? I had a rush of inspiration tonight and saw it fit to utilize it properly.. in a blog, so here goes.

I guess the easiest place for me to start is by saying to those of you who have anxiously waited for updates on my writing, thank you. Sometimes even when I absolutely am not feeling "secure" in what I do, having even one person continue to ask, or encourage means the world to me. It's crazy the support I get "online" over real life. I can't tell you enough how incredible that is. So really guys, thanks so much. (and you know who you all are)

A few months ago my computer's hard drive died on me, before I had a chance to back up what could have been in my opinion the story that "made me" a "writer." I was devestated, and even that isn't enough to define how I felt. Months of hard work, months of late nights and non-stop writing all gone. I tried to write it over, to capture all that I felt when I had originally created it but as they say.. all good things eventually have to come to an end. So I put "BEING CINDERELLA" on the shelf.

I did, I hated myself for it because to me that is giving up. Alot of people might not think it's a big deal but words for me.. it's all I have. As a writer, I'm not defined by skill, but by story. I had worked so hard and felt like I abandoned a child with no questions asked. That's when the most incredible thing happened.. I was sitting at the computer, staring at the blank white screen and everything just came flooding back in.

I have been reunited with a child long forgotten... and it feels so good! ;)

love me, love me; say that you love me...

No matter how hard I try, there are some things about myself that I just can't escape. I am full-heartedly my own worst enemy. Friendships, career, family, love.. all aspects that shouldn't be left out.

I just don't know what my problem is. What the fuck is wrong with me? Honestly, if someone knows TELL ME! I can't fix it. I can't fix who I am and I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired.

It kills me that I can't do better. I can't do well by myself.

I don't need a reality check. I need help!

Welcome to 2011

I'm not good at being disappointed. It makes me bitter and one feeling I hate above all others, is bitterness. I tried, and thats enough for me. I tried, and than tried again. No matter how you spin it? I'm just not THAT person anymore. I'm not who I was. That's the thing with TIME. Eventually while everything moves, you have to too.

My New Years didn't start the way I wanted it to, but it ended the way it was supposed to. They say that people create their own drama, their own realiities and I'm starting to believe that might be true. I was told last night that "You are the way you are because you want to be. You don't accept help, because you want to be miserable, you LOVE being miserable." and maybe I do. Maybe I don't want to be "HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY" maybe, just maybe I'm not ready to be happy again. Maybe I don't know how?! Fucking hypocritical bastards, these people I consider my friends, let me tell you.

But they also say that the truth hurts.